Sayings that Make Me Cut Brake Lines

MY FURY WILL SLAY YOU LIKE THE
COILED STRIKE OF AN ANGRY WOMAN

The English language is littered with proof of the stupidity of its speakers. We have plenty of proverbs that just don’t make sense. But those don’t bother me as much as the cruelly idiotic ones that don’t make sense, and are so easily fixed that it’s amazing people spread them around without realizing they are spreading the lexical equivalent of AIDS. If you say any of these things, I hate you.


“I put two and two together.”

This one wouldn’t bother me except that people say it when they mean, “I put one and one together.” What can I say, long addition is tough. The problem stems from people misspeaking “I put the two together.” When you add two and two, you get… four. I have never heard someone use this phrase to talk about the synthesis of two pairs of ideas. Not once.

Notice we don’t say, “Two pennies saved is two pennies earned,” because we’re not complete and total fuckwits.

Other things we don’t say include:

“Two birds in the hand are worth four in the bush.”
“Two things led to another two.”
“Two men walked into a bar, ordered four drinks, and performed redundant actions that led to a pair of simultaneous, identical, and lame punchlines.”
“Two virtues are twice their own reward.”
“I’ve got two words for you: you’re all dumbasses.”

What the phrase literally means:

“I put the two pairs of concepts together.”

What people think the phrase means, and what it should be changed to:

“I put one and one together.”
“I put the two together.”
“I can handle simple arithmetic and therefore have combined the two approaches.”
“I solved it, you cunt nuggets.”

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