“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”
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This one is killed by its incredibly poor choice of examples. Cake is a deprecating asset—the longer you keep it in my kitchen, the more likely my fruit flies will use it as a breeding ground for plague and pestilence. In saying you can’t simultaneously do that and eat it, you’re saying, “You can’t have both a yummy snack and catch the black death.” Since the saying is trying to say, “You can’t simultaneously have two really good things,” the choice it presents is uniquely terrible. You have to choose between being a dumbass and not being a dumbass. It is amazing how many people make the wrong choice.
Nobody just “has” their cake. There are plenty of objects that can sit around and be valuable or useful. Cake is not one of them. Cake exists to be eaten. There is no situation in which you would want to have your cake rather than eat it unless you are full, in which case you don’t gain any particular pleasure out of sitting there staring at it. I would know, I’ve tried.
And even if I were wrong, it should say, “keep your cake” since have is a passive verb opposite eat, so it clunks along with its verbs disagreeing about whether you’re actually taking any action or not. So the word choice is horrible even without analyzing its meaning, and in a way that’s easily fixed.
What It Means Now:
“You can’t breed fruit flies and pestilence and also enjoy a tasty meal!”
What it Should Be in Order for it to Say what People Think it Says:
“You can’t keep your cake and eat it too.”
“You can’t have it both ways.”
“You can’t commit insurance fraud and not burn down your store.”
“You can’t drive your car and watch a DVD.”
“You can’t understand basic concepts like cake is to be eaten.”
“You are a fuckwit who deserves to die a terrible death in a fiery inferno.”
“I could care less.”
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ARE YOU MY FRIEND |
What it literally means:
“I care very, very much about your predicament.”
What people think it means because they are morons:
“I care very, very little about your predicament.”
What the phrase should be:
“I couldn’t care less.”
PEOPLE ARE FUCKING DUMBASSES.
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…But I guess it takes two to know two.
