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As all of us know, the holiday season is a time for stress and violence. Going in for that perfect gift requires a sharp wit, the willingness to do harm, and shoddy, Batman-inspired weaponry. That’s why for Secret Santa this year, I opted to get (read: drunkenly stumbled upon) the perfect gift: a bat-a-rang. Some of you may remember Batman’s all-purpose throwing-dealy in the shape of a bat, others may be Canadian. In any event, an internet Boolean search for ‘generic novelty gift + super hero – gay porn’ yielded that admirable result. I quickly ordered my bat-a-rang from Blade Empire. With over twelve years in the business, surely they could suit my novelty weapon needs. But three days after ordering, this was what I received:
Your order is cancelled. We can’t ship to someone else’s house. This warning is on our website and also in our shopping cart before checkout, this notice is even on your online order receipt. I’m sorry, but we can not process orders with two different names and/or addresses. Just use a credit card that has the same billing and shipping address.
–Ginger
Thwarted! I was the victim of discrimination for ordering a weapon to be delivered to my college address. And clearly I could not have the fucker delivered to my house, lest my mother, hopped up on Martha Stewart Living, turn it into a decorative windchime. No, instead I sought to plead my case to Ginger directly, appeal to her senses, and hope she would come around.
Ginger,
I feel this policy is a bad business move on your part. My order was cancelled because my billing address and shipping address are different? I am a college student – my billing address is of course my parent’s house because that’s where my bank is, and hence, where I got my debit card. I feel that this is true of most college students. You are discriminating against college students! And being that the vast majority of people who shop online are of my generation, and probably an even greater majority of people buying weaponry online are people of my generation, I would have to believe that you are cutting your business at least in half, if not into a third of what it could be. Open your eyes, Ginger! Change your policy, if not for me, for yourself. Let your business grow – you can do it! And remember when you finally do change your policy, and it saves you from bankruptcy, or puts your kids into college from which they can purchase ninja stars online themselves, remember, Ginger, who was the first to tell you to do so: your old pal, the surgeon.
Now I must away to my many collegiate responsibilities. Until we next speak Ginger, I hope you take care, and I hope the same of Gilligan, Mary-Ann, and the professor. But not the millionaire or his wife – fuck them.
Sincerely,
The Surgeon General
Reasonable, I thought: quite reasonable. It would only be a matter of hours, minutes even before a response from Ginger offering her body as reward for my brilliant idea. But, as I must assume, Ginger realized what a waste of her life working at an online knife emporium certainly was, retired, and relinquished her emails to someone else. I received my response not from her, but from a character called “Zues.” Rest assured that his eloquence matched the enormity of his name.
Shut the fuck up, you stupid mother fucker. You are a total retard, we have less than one percent of sales from college students. We have been in business since 1995, that’s 12 years! You pip squeek clown…
Love Zues
Right about there, generally, is where I would start carpet bombing. But something told me not to this time. Maybe it was his terrible spelling, maybe it was gas, maybe it was how proud Zues seemed to be that he could count to 12, but something told me this man-child was in trouble, and that he needed my help. I extended him an olive branch.
Dear Zues,
I don’t remember asking for your opinion, BUT now that I have your attention, I’d like to bring up a missed business opportunity that could double, or even triple your business: college students! You see Zu – may I call you zu? Okay – Zu, college students have disposable income and access to the internet. And they think knives are cool! Just ask me, a college student. Ask me sometime, I’ll tell you what I think about knives (I’ll give you three hints, Zu: they’re cool). And they, the antecedent of they being college students, would buy them online in large numbers if it were easy to do so. It’s so hard and not to mention socially kind of iffy to go to a store and purchase a triumphant bastard of a blade. If college students could do it online, it would save them all that hassle. Soon they could stab, pitchfork, batarang to their hearts’ content. Imagine it! So I urge you, please, reconsider your policy. You could bring that %1 up to 60! Then think of all the camo hats and animal porn you could buy! It would be MARVELOUS.
Anyway, hope I’ve been helpful, or at least given you an idea or two. Sit around in your truck or military-style bunker, and mull it over. I think maybe you’ll see it my way. Take care, Zu, and have a happy new year.
Sincerely,
The Surgeon General
I have received no response, but through a series of conclusions I have been led to, am inclined to believe the following: Zues died later that week of asphyxiation. The culprit was the belt he choked himself with while beating off to new episodes of American Gladiators (no matter how many letters I write, the network will NOT recognize this danger!) Please join me in a moment of silence for yet another casualty of the Writer’s strike. Zues: blade enthusiast, businessman, anonymous asshole; you are gone but not forgotten.
