(The screen displays a graphic of a freshly flattened rodent, with the caption “ROADKILL!”)
Bubba, the Sports Guy: So, it looks like Benny the water skiing squirrel won’t be doing any more cute tricks in the near future. Back to you guys.
Chip, the Anchor: Thanks Bubba. Boy, the Cincinnati Bengals sure can punt those Chihuahuas, can’t they?
Bubba: I’m going to go hang myself now.
Chip: You do that! And now, over to Storm with this week’s weather forecast. Storm?
Storm: Well, as you can see, it is [bleep]ing freezing out there right now. Highs are somewhere in the negative twenties, with a wind chill of absolute zero.
(A graphic of a shivering anthropomorphic snowflake appears behind Storm, with a caption reading “****ing Freezing”)
Storm: Expect high winds and thunderstorms later on tonight. Then tomorrow , partly cloudy skies and temperatures in the 90′s. That should last until about 4:30 in the afternoon, at which point we’ll suddenly start getting some really heavy snowfall. And now for the ten day forecast.
(A calendar appears behind him)
Storm: For the rest of the week, the high temperatures will be -5, 132, 50 with gale force winds, 85, and 8. After that, we’ll start getting some heavy downpours that should last for about three straight days and then freeze solid as temperatures drop to eighteen million degrees below zero.
Chip: Farenheit or Celcius?
Storm: Does it matter? After that, more heavy snowfalls, followed by a warm spell that will melt everything and leave gross slushy puddles all over the place.
Chip: Sounds like we’ve got a pretty ordinary week ahead of us. Any advice for people who might be going outside today?
Storm: Move somewhere else.
