WITH A ROADSIDE BLAST.
American Pop star Hannah Montana is in Afghanistan fighting for the American Army under her real name, Lt Miley Stewart. She was deployed five weeks ago, and her fellow soldiers were sworn to keep their raging fandom/hardons contained in their minds/pants.
“As far as I’m concerned,” she said, “I’m just a normal preteen girl, doing my duty for America and God.”
Dick Cheney had personally informed the media that they would keep her deployment status a secret, but douchebag mil-bloggers ruined it for everyone when they posted a picture on Flickr of Sgt. John Blackfriar ejaculating onto her back as she slept, and then sticking her dress blues onto the mess; or as he called it, “supermanning that ho… nah Montana.” Later pictures show the pop starlet waking up and humorously realizing that her clothing was stuck to her back, making her look like she had a cape.
Now that news of Hannah Montana’s deployment in Afghanistan has spread, millions of preteen fans (and thousands of fifty year old pedophiles) are descending upon the war-torn nation to try to meet her and get her autograph. Many are signing up to join various extremist madrases, and pledging their life (and death) to Allah, if only to get closer to their false pop idol.
Clunkline spoke to the idol about her views on the war. “I’m glad we’re in this God-forsaken country,” she said. “I feel that the best I can do as a fourteen year old girl in 2008 is kill as many of these unbelievers as I can. Jesus loves me and my AK47, and he wants me to burn this land clean. Also, he really enjoys the bribes the local warlords give him so they can keep growing opium poppies. God, i love opium. Almost as much as I love anal. And more than anything, I love having JC in my life.”
According to her superiors, there hasn’t been a gunfighter like Ms. Montana since Wyatt Earp. When faced with a battlefield full of starving war refugees, cattle, and cavorting orgiastic fangirls, she personally garroted all of them, and in less than ten minutes. Her only injuries were some minor chafing from her bondage gear.
Soon, military analysts predict, she will be seen bounding across the dry desert landscape, slathered in blood, legs wet with essences, slicing and shooting and spreading democracy like some tiny young Kali, feet stamping the dead, melodic pop syrup escaping her lips in between the screams and curses, the lamentation of the women.
“It’s lucky for this country,” Hannah added, while beheading a puppy, “that Jamie-Lynn Spears is pregnant. The Afghani people are one “moral abortion” away from certain doom.”
Editor’s Note: This article was written based on this story, and Wyatt Earp’s presence in it is completely pointless.