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In an ironic twist of metaphysical speculation, objects around campus are standing up against their perceived oppressors.
Said one desk, “You can’t treat a lamp like a lamp. You gotta treat a lamp like a lady.” English majors across campus are shitting their pants, as they finally have someone to talk to. Their names have become killing words.
“Everyone can dream, even toasters,” said Critical Theorist Johnny Johnson. “Objects don’t exist just to hang around- they want to be functional, they want to be more than what they are. Treating a stapler like a stapler is denying it its true staplerness, or stapler dasign. Plato would say that a stapler is simply the instantiation of a more ideal paper-holding-together device, but that too denies the stapler agency. We must call for a new way of thinking that allows a phone to be as phony as it wants, a chair as seated, or a pen as penetratingly insightful as it can.”
The Secret King of Prussia is not an object.
Many inanimate figures are banding together, burning their bras, taking back the night, and organizing chronologically into waves.
Come the end of October, some of them will probably dress up to be as objective as possible, in order to “reclaim” their object-ness. That, or because they want to dress like sluts.
Certain subjects are unhappy that inanimate figures are reclaiming the word “object”, but that non-objects don’t have the freedom to call an “object” as such without being accused of political incorrectness, objectivism, and hate. The “o word”, as it is now called, will probably continue to cause controversy as a word given unreasonable power by the history of its usage or disusage. It is, as Johnny Johnson puts it, “a bit like the pot calling the kettle black.”
