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and it makes him sad |
Dear Mr. Brown,
Your teleplay does not meet the needs of the network at this time. House, M.D. has a full staff of writers. Furthermore, they are generally competent in crafting plots and/or grammatical sentences, which is more than I can say about you.
Your two-page, improperly-formatted manuscript is enclosed. My reader actually specifically requested that she be given permission to take a shit on it first, but I reviewed her employment papers and it was not in her job description. You have dodged a bullet, Mr. Brown.
Please do not write to this network again.
Sincerely,
David Shore
P.S. The cover letter was really something, by the way. First, you include your (very short) résumé of fanfics and then you threaten the studio with physical violence. Also, if the enclosed photos of my house and family were supposed to make me worried, well, I moved and I divorced my wife, so that should solve that problem. Go take your extortion somewhere else. (I suggest Fox.)
House, MD: The Awesome liver Failure that not even house can diagnose!!!
SCENE ONE
Fourman: He was found by a pair of jogers. If they’d run by 20 minutes later, this would be an episode of Law and order
House: Give him liver-failure medicine.
Chase: But that will make his liver fail!
Cameron: You havent even read his charts!
House: Dont’ have to. Todays Tuesday, right?
Fourman: Right…
Chase: And peoples livers fail most often on Tuesday’s.
(Fourman shrugs)
Fourman: He’s right. They do fail on Tuesday’s.
House: Get her the medicine.
Cameron: Him.
House: Thats cute. you sound so sure.
(House exit.)
SCEEN TWO
Cameron: His liver faild.
Chase: Well, there goes that idea. Guess we shouldnot have given him the liver-failure medicine.
Fourman: Yeah. It did make his liver fail.
House: Ok, we’l have to kill him.
Cameron: What?
House: Fourman, you do it, with a scapell.
Fourman: One, I’m not killing anybody, and two, you KNOW I hate scapell! Cant I use an LP?
House: No, you have to use a scapell, because you’re black.
Fourman: Oh, I guess your right. I am in fact black.
House: My logical reversals have reduced you to agreement. Okay, so go and kill him.
(Fourman leaves with a scapell.)
Chase: But wait… why are we killing him?
House: We don’t know what he’s dying from now, right?
Chase: Right.
House: So we ca’nt save his life.
Chase: Okaaay…
House: But… if Fourman does it, then we know Fourman did it, and we can stop him.
Chase: Oh I see. We can save his life!
House: Yes, but Im actually going to let Fourman finish, so he can go to jail.
Chase: Is that racially motivated?
House: God gave him the mark of Ham… I am only upholding the natural order.
Cameron: Isnt there an ethical downside to this?
House: Yes there is. See, if Fourman doesn’t kill him, I’m injecting you with date-rape drugs. Then I’m going to tape the scapell to your unconscious hand, and make YOU do it. You would kill someone and go to jail.
Cameron: That does sound pretty unethical now that you mention! I guess we should do it.
House: Then I’m going to rape you.
