Why Metallica’s One is Aptly Titled

Because it’s the one and only Metallica song worth listening to.

Before Metallica “sold out” (why did someone buy their crap anyway?) they must have somehow accidentally recorded this gem. “Gem” in the same sense that you might find a quarter in a mound of feces. By this I mean the rest of their music blows.



Some Kind of Monster Pile of Shit

TL;DR: ITA I explain why I despise Metallica’s music.

How about a few examples?

· Enter Sandman

If you set out to write a metal song about “never-never land”, you are destined to fail.

Ever wonder why Dragonforce sings about dragons and shit? Why Pantera makes songs about whiskey and violence? Or how about why Dream Theater makes songs about, uh… I still haven’t figured Dream Theater out.

My point here is the song is about going to sleep, and that’s precisely what it makes me want to do. Black Sabbath sings about hell and stuff, and that’s great subject material for heavy metal; Black Sabbath has succeeded in two areas where Metallica has catastrophically failed.

· Sanitarium

The lyrics say it all here, or at least a good part of it. That is, “Just leave me alone” says everything the bland riffs don’t say. Upon listening to this song I do feel a compelling urge to leave Metallica alone and go do something more rewarding, like putting my hand in a meat grinder.

I will admit, it must take some true endurance to fill up some 6-1/2 minutes of time with horribly unexciting guitar-masturbation, but evidently they had no problem with it.

· Master of Puppets

Okay, first off: changing time signature every three bars does not make your song an instant success. Tool can pull this off; Metallica apparently can’t. It sounds like some five different songs spliced together by an epileptic gibbon.

I don’t see the purpose in repetitively using words rhyming with “master”. Unless the purpose was to annoy the listener. In said case I believe the song was wholly successful.

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You might be thinking, “Surely this man has something against the group besides simply their music, which I do agree has been quite shitty as of late.” And if you’re thinking that, then yes, you’re totally correct– it has been shitty, hasn’t it?

But really, I do have something personal against them. The whole “LET’S FLEX OUR BIG COPYRIGHTED DICKS” thing. Metallica’s legal crusade was the start of the undoing of Napster. In an allegorical sense, if Napster was Jesus and subsequent file-sharing protocols are branches of a religious following, then it may appear that we might want to thank Metallica. But one must remember that Metallica played the role of the Jews in our allegorical situation, and no one likes the Jews, amirite?

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Yeah, I suppose I started off this article talking about One. And ranting about the rest of their songs is probably a crazily roundabout way to praise that song, but I believe it had to be done. If only writing this will prevent them from continuing to suck…

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