Have at you, sir! I have tracked you long and hard, like the mighty erection of a bulky pornstar. And like that pornstar, doctor_subtle, you are a worthy counterpart, a domineering figure with physical prowess… but not necessarily the foresight to step out of the way when a rival aims a shot at you.
doctor_subtle, I know what you did to the townspeople of remote Ketchikan. I know how you made them hate themselves just a little bit more, day by day, through your snide, gradual insistence that they would never amount to anything. I know that it was you who started a domino effect there in the Panhandle that has since spread across all of America, like a butterfly flapping its wings in a hurricane or a man falling forwards in a circlejerk. I know that it was by degrading a few thousand townspeople and tourists that you started this nationwide economic recession, caused the War in Iraq, killed Elvis, and drastically lowered the quality of our public educational system. And do you know why I know this? Because I was there, watching you. And do you know why I know you know that? Of course you do, because you were, you know, watching me watch you. Clearly I should have killed you on the spot, but I was too busy pointing out your lies to people. “He’s making you feel bad about your self image! You don’t really look fat in that! Okay, maybe you do, but it does not lessen your worth as a human being! … Okay, maybe it does! But your family still loves you! Yes, even if they are all dead!” I didn’t really need to repeat that, but I did anyway, and you know that already, but… tough.
doctor_subtle, your sideways supervillainry has caused too much of a problem to ignore. I will call attention to this problem, by pointing out to people: “Hey! We’ve got a war in Iraq going on!” And then they will know what a mess you’ve gotten them into. Like a man waking from a wet dream, they will shake themselves out of their stupor and start cleaning up the mess. Then, your power over the people of the world will be less, ah, powerful, because you see I just explained why. I don’t feel the need to explain myself to you. (That’s a lie.)
I look forward to our soon meeting and your inevitable defeat, doctor_subtle. Ohhhh, it shall be climactic! In fact, at the thought of my ultimate victory, I have ejaculated into my trousers, like a guy who ejaculates into trousers.
–Captain Obvious
