Attn. Grabass_Champion: I am eating your food

It is late and I can’t sleep. I’m petting your cat and eating your food. Your cat is getting his snot on your pillows. I’m using your computer to post to my website because your router doesn’t like my computer. I am wearing only my sports jacket and gym shorts because my girlfriend is in the guest bed breathing through my shirt. After that many layers, I question whether or not I even own myself.

I went through your fridge and cupboards trying to find something I’d like that you wouldn’t miss. I had to stop myself from eating a whole bag of Funyuns. Maybe I’ll pay for some food tomorrow at the convenience store to make up for it, but right now I am arguing between hunger and Fundiarrhea.

In the future please mark your food clearly with “I do not eat this and do not know why I buy it” so that my late-night decisions can be more painless.

Also “eating a whole bag of this will give you diarrhea” would be helpful too.

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