You think that you have found out how I caused the war in Iraq, well, you are dead wrong, Mon Capitan! True, Ketchikan was part of it, but in your haste to divine the source of America’s wrongs, you failed to see the hundreds of other places where I, Doctor Subtle, did extend the tentacles of my evil influence.
That societal cancer to which this website oft makes mention, the ill-ustrious Soulja Boy? I birthed him bodily from the unholy sphincter of my rectum, and did fill his mind with the spunk of rap-metics (it’s like memetics, but with more street cred), which as you all know oozes from my fingertips (Laptop? I hardly even know her!).
I even used those same fingertips to take one of Soulja’s ribs and build from it Hannah Montana. After raising that young girl on the flesh of live kittens I sold her to Disney for millions. Then again, I’ve seen Mike Eisner at parties, and judging by the state of those two strippers I found in the desert, I might have given her to them for free. Mike’s quite a mensch, if you know what I mean.
U2? I was the one who showed Bono those explicit pictures of his parents when he was little, and just look what has happened since!
All those sexual abuse cases that are rocking the church? I was the key witness in every court case. While Pastor Michael was “queering” a few hundred altar boys, I was standing watching, swinging the censor in slow, gentle arcs, keeping time with the emotional scarring.
I am everywhere and everything Captain Obvious. What you assume I am not is the very thing I am. I am that voice in your head that you think is you. When you write your responses, I am there, somewhere between your ears, fucking with you. Gently.
You want me? I am you!