Dr. Jonathan W. Rogalthorpe, Ed.D Presents:
A COMPREHENSIVE HISTORIE OF THE ROADS AND HIGHWAYS OF THE COMMONWEALTH OF PENNSYLVANIA FROM THE COLONIAL ERA UNTIL MODERNE-DAY
Chaptre One: Native-Built Viaducts
The earliest recorded pathway in Pennsylvania led from the Longhouse of a one Ungachkink to the body of water now known as Keystone Lake. It was mainly used by the household’s inhabitants as they rushed to the lake daily to relieve themselves. This trend caught on with surrounding villages at the Hunter-Gatherer Convention (HUNGACON) of AD1274. Before long, many paths criss-crossed the region, connecting houses to primitive restrooms and eventually other houses, and this served well until the conquest of civilized peoples from Europe.
Chaptre Two: Earliest European Highways
Edward Braddock is remembered as a poor general. Instead of killing French Indians as he was commissioned to do, he built a road. This road was so bad, he got shot. Therefore Braddock is widely regarded as the founder of PennDOT, since he did something other than what he was supposed to do while on the job. His road is today knowne as the PA turnpike, and it’s been under construction ever since it was built.
In facte, it’s the road that’s been under construction for the second longest after Route 22 in Murrysville, which apparently needs to be retrofitted to carry a column of tanks that are made out of mercury-coated gold, a process that lasts nearly three centuries.
Chaptre Three: Roads Poste-1794
Of course, the most bestest road in the world is the Boulevard of the Allies in Pittsburgh, named for the Allies of the Great War after they marched in a victory parade to the Pointe last Tuesday.
When naming roads in numerical order, some cities pay homage to the non-whole numbers. For example, in Pittsburgh there is fourth avenue, then forbes avenue, then fifth avenue. Forbes is a number equating approximately 4.3.
Chaptre Four: The Proposed Intre-State Hyghwai
Some politicians have proposed “connecting” American cities via a massive never-ending network of free and toll roads that would constitute a sort of inter-state road system. However, with modern mule-powered road construction techniques this would be impossible for at least another 138 years. Imagine a world where it costs money to leave Ohio and even more to then enter Pennsylvania on a highway! Of course, the toll collection would have to be spaced about half a mile apart in de-militarized zone fashion so the workers would not brawl routinely as they took lunch. How confusing! Where would one state begin and the other end? Surely this is not just a literal description of how things actually are in 2008.
Chapter Five: Chapter Six: Epilogue
As our great Republic mobilizes to fight the dreaded Spanish and finally enforce the Monroe doctrine after three quarters of a century, let us never forget the toil and sweat of our forefathers in their building of this great land of democracy and fruited plain wheat.
In conclusion, roads are good.
THE ENDE
