When I saw the sex aids section, I had to wonder how something you put on your feet would compact your ass in a kid-safe manner that would kill STD’s and make your penis bigger. Naturally, they do sell penis pumps (for $150) and placebo enlargement cream. But little did I suspect that they’re concerned with making much more startling things than penises bigger.
You think penis pumps are weird? You should try our NEW Clitoral Pump! Woohoo, we dropped the extremely-appealing phrase “genital blood flow” in a fucking advertisement!
And as a man, let me say there is nothing more misleading than “simply place on the clitoris”. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t admit to that.
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| DID I MENTION IT COMES IN A DESIGNER POUCH? |
P.S.:
How would you like your 15 seconds of fame to be having your mugshot next to a clit pump in an online catalogue? Followup: Would you put it on your modeling résumé?
“Massager”! Seriously! It’s a massager. Not a dildo that makes a half-assed attempt to look like a gi-fucking-normous tube of lipstick. A battery-powered tube of lipstick.
Carry it anywhere! Walk around with it in your cooter! It’s all good, if people ask you questions, just show them that it’s lipstick! Hey, labia means lips anyway, so who’ll be the wiser?
Vibrating Erection Rings! A new way to propose! Nothing says “I love you” like a vibrating erection!
Are these just videos of old people having sex? SIGN ME UP NOW.
Oh my God, this woman came to speak at my college. I did not go to hear her talk because I felt that 1) the women of CMU thinking about sex was a little too gross to contemplate 2) imagining this woman having an expertise in sex required one to imagine her having lots of it, and I was not prepared to undergo the resultant psychiatric treatment.
On another note, am I the only one who thinks this looks like a medieval torture device? Or maybe an elongated liberty bell? One if by land, two if by RAM A HUGE POLE UP YOUR VAG. Either way, painful.
“Side attachments”? Will the vag juice river be flowing so furiously from the “fast and intense orgasms” that this thing will need pontoons to stay afloat? Nobody told me women needed catamarans to get off! The secrets and secretions of the female mystique must be foreign to me.
P.S. The British are coming!
LET’S OPEN OUR ADVERT WITH THE WORD “IMPOTENCE”. Great job, marketing guy! Promotions all around!
“Etc.” Etc. may include, they just plain suck at sex, they only get erections when they want to pee, or they stuck pins in their erect penis to make it resemble a cactus. (Clearly you don’t understand art.)
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HEY GUYS, penis pump! Works on the same principle as a vacuum cleaner, and that dude totally didn’t get a Darwin Award! Sweep away your impotence! It sucks when she won’t!
GET IT?! IT SUCKS?! GOD DAMN WE’RE HILARIOUS. LET’S LEAVE THIS CAREER IN MARKETING AND START DOING STANDUP, HEY GUYS WHERED YOU ALL GO |
Basically, this is a $150 penis pump. You know what, this website has taught me one thing. Let’s forget about sex. She can sit there with her clit pump and I’ll fuck a vacuum tube. Since we’re all impotent and clitless anyway, why bother to have sex with each other when we can have sex with these innovative, affordable products? …Paying money for this makes you a literal consumer whore.
Also, what is this screwdriver / doorknob thing and why does it scare me so much? Is this a rubbery part you stick your dick into? Cause I don’t like sticking my dicks into inflatable screwdrivers. (If you email me in response and pedantically explain what it is, hey, that means you’ve used a penis pump, now don’t it?)
Rejoyn. A male dildo for dudes with IMPOTENCE IMPOTENCE IMPOTENCE that has a strap conveniently sized for putting it on your head and wearing it like a visor! Great conversation piece!
Wait, what the cunt? 2 for $19.99?! When am I ever going to have two flaccid penises?! 5th grade health class did NOT prepare me for this.
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| P.S. IMPOTENCE! |
That’s probably as much vanity as anyone can safely take in a day, so hang in there until next update, when I’ll explain to you why your ass needs a banister to keep it from plunging into the toilet, never to be seen or heard from again.
