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Yeah, that’s me, I’m Pliny the Not-So-Eld. Y’might know my brother, Pliny the Elder, or maybe even my other brother, Pliny the Eldest. Pliny the Eldest is dead, though. That’s what you get for being the Eldest, I suppose. Pliny the Elder was famous for some shit, but I don’t really care, because me, Pliny the Not-So-Eld, I’m actually not famous at all for doing absolutely nothing but masturbate to Eukanuba tournament videos and edit Conservapedia entries with subtle insertions of the word “bukkake”. I afford my internet connection through donations from regular old people who don’t have the time to edit Conservapedia entries with subtle insertions of the word “bukkake” themselves. It’s a living.
My sister, Pliny the Feminine-er, brings me lots of shoe boxes every Thursday, between her Kegel exercises and Axe Murdering class. Yeah, she’s this whore who sleeps with you and then kills you with an axe, so, well, y’know, she’s voting for Hillary. I tried to talk her out of it. Believe me, I did. I’m voting for Ron Paul. But anyway, she brings me the shoe boxes, and so I don’t have to interrupt my masturbation or Conservapedia editing by using the restroom, I just poop in the boxes. Then I throw them out the window usually, unless I’m afraid I’m going to run out of lube. That’s another thing she brings for me, any kind of discarded fats or other lube-like substances. You don’t whack off 50 times a day without lube, trust me… I’ve tried. My scars from that day grew into a new foreskin, which was cool, but not really what I was looking for… you know how it is. Right?
I know what you’re wondering, and no, usually I don’t drink my pee. But sometimes if I get really thirsty I will. But what I usually do is I had Pliny the Welder, my cousin, build me a pipe system to route the pee right out the window, where my poop goes. I usually hold my pee until every Friday at about 12:50, ’cause the kindergarten classes go from the school to the park for recess that day.
Oh, I know it’s cruel, but that’s why it’s funny! Right?
