The little known reign of Bippy McJonesington, Emperor and Autocrat of all the Russians

It was the year 1603, and there were troubles in Russia.

It was a time of power struggle between the end of the Ruriks and the beginning of the Romanovs. This had already been going on for five years, and since neither the nobles or the Streltsky imperial guards could manage to agree on a new leader, a rule was put in place that if you could make your way through an insane obstacle course involving moats of acid and anti-entrance orbs then you would be instantly coronated as ruler.

One day, on a tour of a cow field adjacent to the palace, Bippy McJonesington, son of a European person who spent his day earning money somehow, noticed the sign, written in Russian (read: French) indicating the rules of the challenge. It is said that he cleared every stage of the course with ease, even the crocodiles and those are hard cuz they are real strong.

Once he was made ruler, he ordered that Russia be renamed McJonesingtonton and that everyone had to start doing jumping jacks on Tuesdays when the sun was out. He was only emperor from 6:32 pm that first day (Wednesday) til 7:44 AM that Friday. It is interesting that his biggest accomplishment, capturing Danzig, was ultimately forgotten when he was put into exile because someone else had completed the course in a better time, and that guy also beat up one of the crocodiles which was a big accomplishment for the time.

After he went back to Europe, Bippy became a militant milliner and lived his life until the day he died.

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