I’ve already mentioned this briefly on the phone, and I understand your impatience, but you must take this seriously—we will not allow this to happen on a show with sinking ratings. It will look like we’re jumping the shark, since the show so far has had only minimal violence. I know you have concerns about creative license, but that is no excuse for hanging up the phone about business concerning something as important as childrens’ television. All I can say is thank God you didn’t write “actually rape her” before the rape scene, because then this script would truly be in hot—oh good heavens… My secretary has informed me that the new script you just faxed over includes both this line, and 23 new instances of the word “cunt”. As a collaborator and a friend, let me advise you that this is not—and I repeat—not an improvement. You needn’t repeat that word 18 times in one speech to Tamora since only one or two is necessary; remember, less is more.
Now, let me turn to the script’s unusually gruesome parallels. In most “Wishbone®” episodes, when something happens in the real world it reminds Wishbone of what happened next in the story. Usually, what happens in the real world is a less-extreme, everyday version of the story’s event. For instance, if a character is exiled in the story, we might see Joe going to the Principal’s office and getting a detention. We usually don’t see Joe getting sent to Guantanamo and getting waterboarded. So in the scene where Sam is raped and mutilated just like Livinia, might I suggest that you change it to a more-everyday groping or a commonplace molestation? Remember, the formula is “story event minus severity”. We don’t actually need to see her raped to get the point, since a simple sexual assault will suffice.
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But all this picking of nits ignores the larger issue. Allow me to ask, one last time, on the behalf of all the good people here at PBS: why did you have to infuriate Chick to the point that she quit? We loved her, the children loved her, and we all loved her writing. She was doing the world a service by educating our youth on literary classics. Her episodes, might I remind you, consistently received the highest ratings and not one of hers was pulled off the air by the FCC at the last minute. What it comes down to is that you made the obvious joke about her name and gender one too many times, and she happens to be a feminist. Thanks a lot for that lawsuit. Oh, and before I forget, your later interviews describing her as a “two-timing Papist cocktease” also crossed a line.
Speaking of obvious, mean-spirited, and crude puns: please stop making “Wishboner” jokes. The R-in-a-circle is a copyright, not an innuendo. I urge you to remember that the next time you’re doing a pledge drive.
In closing, bear in mind that we can fix this, together, as friends. Why don’t we meet tomorrow and go over the script? Maybe go grab some donuts first, come back to the studio, and talk through our concerns. …And I shouldn’t be doing this, but since I’ve known you so long, I’ll give you the inside scoop. People here are willing to be flexible, so if you must, you can keep one or two references to genocide and the inherent superiority of a master race, but we won’t allow you to film an episode that features Wishbone committing atrocities of war. At least not with the stage direction, “Actually do this.”
Sincerely,
Rick Duffield, PBS
P.S. Don’t even ask about what happened to your teleplay for Wishbone Does Dallas. We’re assuming this was an April Fools’ joke in mid-September and giving you the benefit of the doubt.
