It has been my experience in life that people, by and large, are horrible bastards. Obviously the way to fix this problem is by becoming one myself. Here are some of my favorite tricks!
1. Going into the office of the student organization that picks bands for concerts and playing nerdy power metal at full blast
(If they ask me to turn it down I usually respond by yelling the names of Pokemon until they go away)
2. Passing people on the right, cutting them off, braking before any and all green lights, all the while peeing out the window on pedestrians
3. Going in to banks with 97 coupons labeled “cash value 1/100th of a cent” and asking if they can give me a loan for the other 3/100ths
(See it’s annoying cause I don’t have a credit rating)
Reading Wikipedia today I came across the fluid known as Oil of Saints. It’s a particular substance that saintly remains (or relics) extrude that is considered holy, and can be used in substitution for the saint’s intercession- a Saint of Healing’s Oil heals, etc.
Now, my question is, do all corpses, holy and unholy, exude similar Corpse Kool-Aid?
Can one go to an abandoned forest in Russia and dig up some Romanov Jungle Juice? I wonder, does that stuff come with Anastasia Ambrosia, or is on the side (maybe in Paris!)? And her brother, the hemophiliac, could one bruise the gin?
Puerto Vallarta – The Mexican porn star Señor Burrito, born Alfonso Estavez de Ciudad Juarez y Calculadoras o Juan Manuel de Rosas, died Tuesday in a tragic cumshot accident while filming his next twenty-minute masterpiece, Salsa de Hombre. His co-star, Esteban Grandioso, has been charged with one count of accidental manslaughter and another count of failure to contain a load for his accidental high-velocity discharge of semen that made its way through Señor Burrito’s head, killing him instantly.
“I just couldn’t stop it!” Grandioso said, “One minute Burrito is giving me this incredible rimjob, he turns me around, licks my cock, and BAM! My best friend and co-star is dead on the spot. I didn’t even have time to finish him off before he died. I hope they have a special casket to fit Señor Burrito’s still-erect burrito.”
Señor Burrito may also be known from such films as Mis Pantalones Son Su Pantalones and Burritos Magnificos!
Some guy walked around campus handing out pieces of paper that said “Day” on them and filming reactions when he told them “now give someone else a nice day”. I wound up appearing very briefly in this, along with the present Artistic Director of the No Parking Players, an improv troupe to which I belong. We are wearing ridiculous things and have lucky charms in front of us which we were, at the time, using to tell fortunes. I’m posting it mostly because of our fortune-telling clothes. I didn’t think I’d be immortalized in such a stylish jacket (or saying “day” so confusedly).
Come closer my children. Yes, I am Allowat Sakima, the Great Chief. You have all been witness many times to the Great Cycle. But the ways of the Cycle are changing.
I don’t know about you, but when I was little and I heard that the president was giving a state of the union speech, I always thought that it was kind of an employee of the month thing, but for the fifty states. Well, now I’m convinced that America needs an incentive system just like this in order to improve our great Republic. I think it would work something like this:
The Pennsylvania exit polls are conclusive: campaign signage is more important than ever before. Undecided voters are frequently swayed by bumper stickers, lawn signs, and lapel pins, with 62% reporting that a sign “strongly influenced” their decision.
Warren Milford was one such undecided voter, until last Saturday. “But then I saw my neighbor’s Barack Obama lawn sign. And it was blue. Also it had that little ‘O’ symbol that doesn’t really mean anything but looks nice. I went, ‘oh, blue is pretty.’ A few days later, I cast my ballot for Obama.”
Y’know how kids in middle schools and high schools think it’s hilarious to draw simplified penises on everything? Well it would only follow that penises would draw simplified people on things and think it’s funny. Get it? Hah?
Actually, it’s going to be more about how it’s “like learning French from the Internet at large.” But that wasn’t nearly good enough to be title material. So…
Recently I’ve been on a useless computer-fucking-around kick, which inevitably means that I’ve been (as I have on and off [but more off] for years) dabbling in the shark, piranha, and frustration-infested waters of Linux. Let me start off by saying that Linux is a great operating system the minute you trick it into doing exactly what you want it to do. Let me also say that Linux is an awful operating system for your blood pressure, your patience, and your level of alcohol consumption while you’re still trying to trick it into doing what you want it to do.
To explain my frustrations with this operating system, I will now create a very weak but possibly humorous analogy between learning Linux and learning the French language, in which I analyze trying to learn the foreign language the way I learned Linux.
By recent estimate, the USA has spent nigh on 700 billion dollars on the war in Iraq and over 4000 lives. Here’s a REAL list of things that we could have done with those resources instead.
