They say the car you drive says a lot about you. I agree with that, personally, so long as it’s the car you choose to drive. For example, my ideal car is a Honda Civic, Toyota Corolla, or Volkswagen Rabbit with a stick-shift and as few power options as possible. That’s because I like incredible gas mileage, absolute control, and as few things as possible to break. On the other end of the spectrum, most people who drive Hummer H2‘s and GMC Yukon XL‘s are raving idiots. But what of people who have no personality at all? Worry not! There are cars for fantastically boring people as well!
Jeep Liberty
The Jeep Liberty is one of the dullest vehicles ever to make its way into our traffic jams. They are incredibly popular, for no evident reason, as they are not remarkable in any way other than their capacity to trigger uncontrollable yawning and drowsiness. The Liberty has styling similar to just about every other compact SUV out there, and (like most of them) can’t actually traverse very difficult terrain as it’s built on a car chassis. How do you know the Liberty lacks any of the balls that it used to take to call a car an SUV? Most of its drivers are white women between 40 and 60 with two children. The other people that drive the Liberty are the husbands of these women. The Liberty also has, like all Jeeps of the last 10 or more years, an abhorrent reliability record, and according to my own driving experiences, the Jeep Liberty also cannot clear 34 miles per hour. This evidence I get from being stuck behind one on a 55-mph road at least once per week, and noting that we never went faster than that. Two kinds of people don’t speed: Boring people and old ones.
The best part about being stuck behind one of these dullard-traps is that you can remember just how many kinds of American Flag there are. In case anyone forgot,
Chevrolet Trailblazer
The Trailblazer, like the Liberty, has become mind-bogglingly ubiquitous in the past few years, despite its absolute lack of defining characteristics. It gets 14 miles per gallon, is basically hideous, and has been rated by Consumer Reports as one of the least satisfying vehicles of 2007.
People who drive Trailblazers are often more aggressive than Liberty drivers, because every empty space in the Trailblazer is filled with concrete. You’ll find fourth-generation Italian business types (the kind that “hit the gym” after work and think that makes them “tough”) and “self-empowered” single mothers driving them, most of the time. However, the second you take a Trailblazer off road, it will catch on fire and subsequently detonate.
Ford Escape
The Ford Escape is so named because that is exactly what you’ll want to do when you are near one on the road. Ford Escape drivers are some of the least capable drivers in the universe. Did you just get run onto the shoulder by a blindly-merging moron? Take a look! I bet you’ll see one of these plastic-encased abominations blissfully puttering along in the lane you used to inhabit.
One thing people don’t seem to realize is that Ford hasn’t made a good, reliable motor vehicle since before the 1980s. Despite this, people buy them all over the place. I’ve been a passenger in an Escape before, and the dashboard feels as if it’s made out of dried-out provolone cheese. The outside of the car is mostly the kind of cheap, shitty, textured plastic that is generally reserved for only the least important parts of a vehicle, like the bottom of a bumper or something.
The Escape also has a Hybrid version, to try to be more “green,” I guess. However, the hybrid Escape only gets about 3/4 of the fuel economy that my fully-gasoline Civic does. In other words: Lack of success. In even other-er words: FAIL.
