So… I guess this was probably inevitable. Though I have plenty of material, like Hillary Clinton and the gas tax holiday, I must continue to push my gimmick of The Ronnicles despite any claims that it might be worn out. So, I’ve posted this in .doc format before. So, you’ve already read it. Or have you? Making you download and open something might have stopped it from happening at all, so unavoidably I present to you Analyzing the Ronnicles as a multi-part series in nice, comfy browser-friendly HTML.
Analyzing the Ronnicles: A view into the mind of an accidental comedic prodigy.
The Ronnicles represent a paragon of poor writing skills. Indeed, these testaments to the absolute and unavoidable truth in those hackneyed “I see stupid people” shirts that nihilistic teenage wannabe-sociopaths wear demonstrate that one can pass through most of the public education system without actually having true competency in the English language. However, they are much more than just failed spelling and grammar. Upon more thorough analysis we find even more amusement in understanding the context of some of these e-mails, or taking a look at some of the logical and practical errors within.
It is with the goal of maximizing the humor with which these gems are viewed that I present to you a thorough analysis of the Ronnicles.
It was on a dreary autumn morning that I entered the dusty office at the store. I only worked one day each week at Harrison City. Ronnie took Fridays off for one reason or another, so I would come in and complete her managerly duties each Friday. Of course, this often times would involve completing duties that she had neglected for the rest of the week, which bred a certain disdain for her in my mind. It was with this bias already created within me that I discovered on her desk a document that she had printed. It was an e-mail, though it might be a bit presumptive to call it anything that does not reference fecal matter, and it had been sent to all of the high brass in the company. The annotated text follows.
Gina was Ronnie’s immediate superior. She was just as amused by these as anyone else who encountered them.
I was on the internet one day and I was looking at my
emails that I have received and it dawned on me “Why
there is not that much stuff about gas stations on
I don’t think anyone can adequately explain why staring at e-mails would provoke inspiration regarding the lack of information about gas stations on the internet. In addition, nobody actually refers to the internet as “the web” anymore.
When I log on to the computer in th elower
right hand Conner on the screen that the local gas
prices come up for my home town for the cheapies
Ooh, boy, you discovered Gas Buddy! Complete with Spyware!
Not only that we are a good company we do
have a lot of costumers and that something that we
should all take pride of.
It is possible that Ronnie thought we were a theatre troupe. I’m not sure why else we would be so proud of our profusion of costumers.
Some thing somebody said
to me a long time ago you can billed up your clamant
tell by averting, billboards, ads and the most
important word of mouth witch has been proven the
best way to advertises.
I’m not sure who told her this a long time ago, but if somebody told me “some thing” like this I would promptly forego associating with him or her ever again.
Back to the point the
internet reaches a lof of people Billions are on it
ever day. If you have a good thing going why not use
it to sell it.
This is the sort of logic error that permeates Ronnie’s writing. Dissection of her sentence produces interesting results. It really reads “If the store has a good thing (I think she means either our impressive sales or the internet itself, in which case she’s implying we created the internet), why not use that good thing (which makes no sense if you’re talking about our sales: We can’t really use those per se) to sell the good thing? (We’re selling our sales? We’re selling the internet? We’re selling a good thing that we can use at all? All of these are preposterous.)”
What if we had our very own web cite
that we can use as to market our business? Tell
people that we are clean nice and friendly and were
are stores are located.
Because people certainly go online to research convenience stores.
Give the customers what they
went a pleasant place that they can go where they get
to know you by their first name.
It isn’t at all unusual in some cultures for someone to use their own name to refer to another person that they’re addressing. Well, actually I don’t think anyone, even the most bizarre evil genius, does that.
Have a place were
the can write down comenents and secretion what they
would like or like to be seen done to are locations.
The generally accepted theory on how Ronnie managed to arrive at “secretion” from “suggestion” is that she spelled “suggestion” so horribly that Word auto-corrected it to “secretion”. This yields one of the most humorous parts of the Ronnicles. Wouldn’t you love to be able to submit your secretions to people at the convenience store? Of course, cleaning out the secretion box would be a tale of woe for the unlucky cashier given the task.
You know that people are ever were and one good word
can lead to anything. We could send them email’s
about up coming events and thing that are on sale.
We could go back to the basic of word of mouth and
also of what is now called our life’s the web. It’s
just a secretion
With apologies, I have to say, “That’s what she said last night!”
Thank you for your time
This e-mail, which can easily be considered Ronnie’s Magnum Opus, has some further context. Not long before she wrote it, another store manager, who had been in the business for effectively his entire working life, wrote an insightful e-mail about customer service (though he never mentioned our numerous costumers). This e-mail was drafted in a literate fashion and addressed important issues. Ronnie felt that she should attempt to write something equally impressive, and this glorious creation is what she came up with. That’s right: This e-mail was an attempt to impress! I don’t think I need stress any more how utterly it failed.