There used to be a time when we had standards. Things used to come from places we could trust, where underpaid workers on our own soil would produce products that we didn’t have to fear, so long as it didn’t come from the meatpacking industry.
It’s not like that anymore. Products come from overseas where quality control is not really of key interest. After all, it’s expensive. Evidently now the soft drink industry understands our quality concerns and has decided to proudly tell us this:
That’s right, Drink Full Throttle: Unleaded and feel safe that the caffeine, sugar, and awesomely-named chemicals in your drink will kill you instead of potential lead content.
But seriously. Is “Unleaded” even cool? No. It’s 87-octane, basic, regular ol’ gas that you put in your Subaru station wagon before heading off to your book club meeting with all the ladies, where you’ll share recommendations for tea/bread combinations. Maybe they should have called it “Premium” or “Ultra” or “Race Fuel” or “HOLY FUCK!”
Unleaded is so not hardcore.
