Starving Sudanese children donated this month’s collected food money to the Obama campaign today, reports Dick Dickelson from the refugee camps of Darfur.
In an interview next to the festering heap of the skeletal bodies lying in a shallow grave, Ahock Sanyeia explained, “We just wanted to make life better for some of those poor Americans… Barack Obama is really inspiring and will do great things!” This reporter pointed out the fact that as a citizen of Darfur she had no US voting rights, but was interrupted as Ahock gushed, “I’m so excited to be a part of this campaign!” gesturing at the “Obama Girl” tee-shirt hanging off her skeletal frame.
Other orphans in the area were unavailable for comment due to a Christian Aid commercial shoot, but a few camps over, past the Janjaweed convoy and the huddle of cowering women they had just rounded up for the day’s rape session, the Umayma family has just loaned the Clinton campaign a staggering $6.7 million.
As we sat in their makeshift hovel of sticks, Mrs. Umayma explained that in the wake of this past primary’s discouraging outcome for the candidate, “we got this really heartfelt campaign call…the situation sounded so desperate that we had to contribute somehow. It was the least we could do, what with others like Hillary Clinton so selflessly donating $11.7 million to herself.” When questioned further as to how they had become convinced to give this incredible donation, it became clear that the staffer had repeatedly chanted, “One of us, one of us,” into the phone until the Umaymas had agreed to the aforementioned sum. “Oh, no, it was really a very convincing argument…” Mr. Umayma asserted. Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of his nose. “It’s all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself.”
Harold Ickes, a senior advisor to the Clinton campaign, released a statement today, saying, “On behalf of Hillary Clinton, I’d like to thank all of our donors for their generous support. We’re all very happy to see that this money is going where it’s needed most.”
