This NASA mission Explorer Seven. Mission Commander Jed ‘Hap’ Staise, mission pilot Alan ‘Buzz’ Goatherder, and mission specialist Deuce ‘Good Astronaut-Man’ McHandful. Command Module USS Intrepiprise, Service Module USS Ladybug.
The following spam messages were all copied directly from my inbox at EA (where I’m currently working). They are presented here unaltered and unedited, except for a few instances in which potentially dangerous urls have been removed, and a few other instances in which I have inserted my own comments in brackets and italics [like this]:
Mrs. Smith, I know you said not to do a book report on a movie again, but this movie is just way too good, and I think you’ll agree.
The film opens with Dan Evans, an unsuccessful yogurt farmer, as he tends his yogurt orchard hoping for a lucky harvest to solve his financial problems. A band of ruffians from town, hired by the Cheez-Whiz factory owner, complicate his life (and the plot!) by burning down a few acres of his orchard.
Fun fact about your favorite Clunkline author, nom de pomme: I’m left handed!
That right, I’m a southpaw underhanded sinister guy. Here’s the thing, the world isn’t, and I fucking hate it. Somewhere in a parallel universe, I am the most coordinated person in the world. In this reality, however, I constantly fail at direction and mechanics because of my… orientation.
Also Known As, The Longest Motherfucking Corner Essay Ever
There are a number of arguments for and against the Electoral College, and yet there are not two legitimate sides to the debate, because every one of the losing side’s arguments belies borderline mental retardation. In every claim about what the system does, E.C. supporters are flat wrong, by empirical fact. And in every claim about why what it actually does is a good thing, they are nothing less than clinically delusional.
Italian architect David Fisher today unveiled what is sure to be the second great disaster of the twenty-first century. Called ‘Dynamic Tower’, it will be a 1378 foot apartment building that can rotate on voice command by residents.
Connecticut Sen. Chris Dodd has a lot of experience with mediocrity, which may offset Obama’s greatness. He ran a lackluster campaign for President before dropping out after Iowa with three votes, all of which were cast by his mother. In February, he became the first also-ran to endorse a former rival and have nobody notice.
Former general Wesley Clark is everything McCain wishes he were: younger, smarter, more successful, and never tortured. He falls just short of being a demigod, and is as great as a mortal man can be. His penis is also noticeably girthier.
Florida, the Chad State, has spent the last few years developing an election system that will hopefully actually work. However, they are ditching it at the last minute, and will be conducting the vote by an informal poll of who has the most bumper stickers.
English language prescriptivists are possibly the most anal-retentive and arrogant individuals in the world. They basically sit around and think of ways to tell people how they should communicate, covering absolute minutiae that are almost always completely ignored by an increasingly colloquial society. In the face of mountains of evidence that language evolves by general consensus and not top-down approval, these people hold on to the hope that they can maintain strict standards on the English language and come second only to the Catholic church in being late adopters of practices that have become mainstream without their consent.
“Fuck you!” he hurled at the similarly-bearded deity. “No, fuck YOU,” God spewed back. For the first time in his life, Carlin couldn’t think of a witty retort; God won the debate, and Carlin got fucked.
