So one day Ang Lee made an incredible art film called The Hulk. Like his previous films, it dealt with the love between two cowboys. Only these cowboys were a big green guy and the hot chick from Requiem for a Dream, which should totally have been titled Dirge for Some Sad People (spoilers). But instead of sheep, there was a mutant poodle thing. And some kind of starfish power that lets bullets ripple off your rippling chest. I think it was worth it though, just to see the Hulk smash a dog’s teeth into its brain simply by flexing them there. Besides that though, nothing happened for the first hour and a half. Then the Hulk defied physics a lot in the New Mexico desert (note: this is becoming a theme) but managed to kill no one.
The end was a lot like There Will Be Blood: it was just the Hulk’s dad yelling “I’VE ABANDONED MY CHILD! I’VE ABANDONED MY CHILD! I’VE ABANDONED MY BOY!” and then the Hulk tried to smash him, and he turned into rocks and terrible memories, and as he yelled “BASTARD FROM A BASKET” the Hulk took his wife to Mexico, which is where all good men go to die (spoilers). And by Mexico I mean Colombia. Strange that a man whose life requires peace (else he hulks out and kills people) would move to the most war-torn of South American City-States (spoilers for your next mission trip).
Lucky for you, there will soon be a series reboot staring Edward “Brad Pitt is my alter ego (Spoilers)” Norton. The movie opens with Bruce Banner hanging out in Latin America, but manages to also have nothing to do with the first movie. Because it sucked, and this one should be better. Hopefully, there aren’t any starfish (or a crippled guy who is also Kaiser Soze (spoilers)).
In related news, Starbuck aborts her own Cylon hybrid baby. With some chopsticks. The same chopsticks Snape used to kill Dumbledore. Who was actually dead for the whole movie–he was shot by the main character in a mercy killing on a pier, similar to the way in which They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?
Sydney Pollack is dead.