The Wrong Ways:
The Loudmouth
This position is incorrect and punishable by law in some states, so watch out if you’re doing it. It places the mouthpiece far from the mouth, which requires you to shout very loudly to be heard by the person on the other end, thereby making everyone else in the room part of your conversation. People who do this also invariably talk about something pretty embarrassing. For example:
What?! OH, YEAH! I KNOW, HERPES! … YEAH! I WAS PISSED! … YEAH SO I GAVE IT TO CHARLENE TOO!
The Loud Friend
In this instance, the user has placed the earpiece too far from his ear. Usually this is not a direct result of the user, but it is still not considered proper phone practice. Generally it results from the person on the other end being far too loud, enough so to hurt the user’s ear. A more proper response to this situation is to shout over the abuser on the other end something like “YOU’RE LOUD AND I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN UNTIL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!” and hang up abruptly. This practice goes over especially well with spouses, significant others, the police, and dying friends.
The Unnecessary Speakerphone
Since a “speakerphone” option has become available in mass marketed cellphones, some people have taken that opportunity to use it for every single phone call in every social context, including at memorial services, on subways, and during movies. Speakerphone is not intended for situations in which one holds the phone in one’s hand. It’s intended to be used when the phone is stationary somewhere and the user wants two free hands, and also generally in private. It is legal in most places to punch people who do this in the back of the head.
The Tasty Phone
Despite what you may have been told, phones aren’t actually edible. Anyone whose belly spontaneously plays “Love in the Club” a few times a day should be informed of this to prevent future mistakes, like listening to “Love in the Club”.
No.
The Temptation…
No matter how much you love your phone, it isn’t acceptable to set it to “vibrate” and shove it down your pants for a good time. The sex toy business is a major part of the economy and it’s your patriotic duty to keep them alive.
If you can’t break any of these habits, the best and “greenest” way to dispose of a cellphone is to flush it down the toilet. Bear in mind, though, that more than one a week can lead to serious plumbing problems.
