Italian architect David Fisher today unveiled what is sure to be the second great disaster of the twenty-first century. Called ‘Dynamic Tower’, it will be a 1378 foot apartment building that can rotate on voice command by residents. Its power comes from giant whirring wind turbines located between each floor, which are so massive that they will power the building entirely and even pump more energy back into the grid. Luckily, this disaster will occur in Dubai, sometime after it opens in 2010.
As is obvious, this ridiculous and unnecessary display of hubris represents a mash-up of the pride of both the Graf-Zeppelin Company and White Star Lines into a terrifying package that only the super rich would conceivably be able to afford. Therefore it is quite easy to assume that as soon as this monstrosity opens the following scenario will play out.
1. Investors pay $700m to build a giant glass building in the desert.
2. It opens to much fanfare. Allah is mentioned.
3. The first residents move in, all is good.
4. A wind/sand/water storm approaches the likes of which no one has ever ever ever seen.
5. The wind whips the turbines into a range of rpm’s they were not designed for.
6. Sand clogs the bearings and lubrication is replaced by intense friction.
7. The apartments at this point are spinning like a centrifuge and all residents have their liquid separated from their pulp.
8. Red lightning and skeletal horsemen streak across the sky, sinking ships in the harbor and destroying homes.
9. The turbines, now spurting flame and white hot sparks, move so quickly that the core of the building begins to torque the Earth itself, robbing it of angular momentum.
10. As the Earth stops spinning suddenly, everything that isn’t cemented down (and a lot that is) flies off at a tangential speed of 19.5 miles per second.
11. A terrified cow smashes into the international space station, destroying it.
12. The oceans cover every east-coastal area. Britain, Japan, New Zealand, and eastern America are completely obliterated.
13. The Netherlands, having the only storm-proof country in the world, inherit Europe and rule their new empire with an iron fist in a future that is a cross between Mad Max Two and Tank Girl.