TOM is reporting to JIM about news from the war front. The war is against bees, mostly.
TOM. bees, jim. bees.
jim will you write something about bees just for me
you know how I feel about bees.
JIM. bees arefriends
did they get to you jim
JIM. bees and humans together
TOM. jim this goes against everything you ever taught me
how could you turn your back on humanity like this
JIM. human-apoidean alliance
JIM. you will be happy
in the honey mines
TOM. over my dead body–filled with beestings
JIM. but unfortunately due to your previously recorded statements regarding our new friends
you are a candidate for re-education
TOM. jim how did they get to you
you were going to lead us
JIM. i volunteered
JIM. i have had enough of violence and hate
TOM. violence and hate is exactly what the bees teach
JIM. only for those who resist my old friend
simply give yourself to the queen
and the nightmare will be over
TOM. jim is this a cover
are you doing this to get near her
only to turn on her at the last second
are they monitoring this conversation with their bee antennas
type f twice in the middle of a word with no f’s in it if this is the case
JIM. that’s just silly
TOM. not at all!
what made you change jim
JIM. we’re happy together
i can’t see me loving nobody but bees
for all my life
TOM. you can’t be happy like that
YOU CAN’T LOVE A BEE, JIM
they don’t feel feelings
they just buzz around
it’s what they are!
you can’t change that
JIM. have you ever tasted it
TOM. tasted it?
JIM. these are the fruits of our alliance
TOM. no I would never submit myself to such an aberration
jim do you know what honey is?
it’s bee vomit
JIM. what a glorious gift it is!
TOM. they bribed you
I didn’t think it was possible but they did it
they bribed you.
JIM. i can not be bribed!
TOM. that is exactly what you’d say if you’d been bribed
JIM. it’s also exactly what i’d say if i hadn’t been bribed!
TOM. jim–it is a known fact that some honey is deadly
and made by drunk bees
JIM. i could go for a nice stein of mead
TOM. DEADLY mead jim
deadly != nice
or did the bees teach you otherwise
JIM. deadly || nice
it’s for your own good
that I have hired a deprogrammer
and an exterminator
who work together
they are on their way
they’re trying to help
I’m trying to help, jim.
JIM. as am i!
i am a special envoy from the Hive
JIM. i will show you the way
i am here to help
JIM. i bring gifts
TOM. I will not go
gifts do not appeal to me
JIM. like the cure for cancer
JIM. and an experimental interstellar drive
TOM. how did the bees develop this
they are not intelligent enough on their own
JIM. bees are smart and noble
TOM. tell me they haven’t enslaved the dolphins too by now
only Dolphinian technology could reach that level
the dolphins would never willingly ally themselves with bees
JIM. we prefer “partnered with”
enslaved is such a nasty way to put it
the dolphins have joined with us
and soon so shall you
and the rest of your pathetic race
TOM. it’s your race too, jim
JIM. not for long
TOM. it’s YOUR RACE TOO!
JIM. not for long
i am submitting for hybridization
TOM. submitting for what?
jim bees are a threat to society
to life as we know it
there can be no peace under the queen
even if there also is no cancer
JIM. and a great interstellar network of bee civilization
exerting its power across the galaxy
partnering with many different races
TOM. you mean enslaving!!!
JIM. the bees formally request time to develop their interstellar drive on an orbiting platform
so that we all may reap the benefits
TOM. where, jim
where is this platform
so I may destroy it
before they ever have a chance to leave earth
I know there’s still a part of you in there
yearning to come out
yearning to be free
JIM. the bees have extraordinary expertise, but lack the raw materials necessary to orbit their technology
so the international space station will do nicely
TOM. how do they intend to get there?
most bees don’t have that kind of security clearance
as we both know
JIM. that is why we request a partnership
TOM. you mean an enslaveship don’t you
further disinformation and fear-mongering will result in negative consequences
TOM. what are the terms of this “partnership”
on behalf of humanity I shall consider it
but you must take extraordinary steps to convince me of its necessity
you just failed the test
I was going to reject the offer
JIM. i thought i could trust you
to not consider any offers
from the apoidean threat
TOM. I was going to pretend to consider it in order to put us in a better negotiating position
surely you were tempted
TOM. jim never
JIM. a position of power
TOM. not by cancer and not by anything
JIM. high within the bee administration
TOM. jim I am loyal to humanity
JIM. ruling over your puny human peers side by side with the bees
TOM. surely my stalwart defiance of the bees for years and years should be a testimony to my dedication
JIM. you’re on notice
my trust in you is shaken
TOM. I remind you that I have been stung more times than anyone else in my battalion
but I submit to your judgment.
I will learn from this
a valuable lesson about the tricks of the bees
am I forgiven