Ebay is Full of Fugly: Time for Farkle-Farkle to be Mean
I’m an Ebayer. It’s like an addiction, and I get obsessed with it periodically. On one particular trip through the Tubes, I found this clothing store which proclaimed:
“We work tirelessly to bring you the latest in fashion.”
Which upon further examination, appears to be like a Dollar Crapticle saying they work tirelessly to bring you items of the highest quality.
Let me explain.
The first thing I saw: some “Fab Finds!!” advertised by this amazing gold monstrosity.
After looking around this little shop of fugly whores a bit more, I have come to the conclusion that this store is trying to mislead America’s prepubescent girls into thinking that looking stupid is looking fashionable. This came as quite a shock, since I can’t even think of ONE other industry that targets the vacuous brains of prepubescent girls.
Here is a TRULY FAB one, listed with the description: “Dainty ruffle at neck, blouson sleeves, rich eggplant color and buttons in the back! You’ll be instantly smitten when you get your mitts on this must-have creation!” I think “Eggplant” must be their code for “puke purple.” No scratch that, it’s “diarrhea purple.” I don’t think I’ve ever puked something remotely as gross as that.
Wow. For MORE than retail prices, you can wear the most appalling things they could find in Goodwill’s sale bin, lovingly spin doctored to appear as “fashion.”
Moving on. Some of these dresses are not so bad, dubiously 80’s of course, but certainly not horrifyingly…
WHAT. FRESH. HELL. IS. THIS. Patterned bike shorts and a sweatshirt from the eighties?
How. What. No. I give up. No more. Please. Say it ain’t so. Is the new rule that if someone on the internet says it’s stylish then everyone should take their word for it?
“Dreamy, ethereal vintage 60′s salmon pink goddeses (sic) chiffon mini dress.”
What? Are you kidding? Adding the word GODDESS in the item description does not make this more attractive… I mean, look at this! It is a draped TOWEL… and what are those glasses LOOK AT THEM! LOOK! I have to ask what in Jesus Titty-Slappin’ Christ’s name she was thinking. I would also like to note, lady, that YOU CURRENTLY ARE NOT WEARING ANY PANTS and THIS IS NOT OKAY.
You do not look like a goddess! You look like you just climbed out of the Fugly Pool and picked up your Fugly Towel to dry off before sunbathing in your fuckin’ huge Fugly Goggles. Don’t forget to brush off your seat with your Fugly Ear Brooms before you sit down.
Clearly this store thinks they are liberally sprinkling pearls of fashion wisdom down upon Ebay’s populace. To the outside observer, however, it looks more like a bird pooping on Ebay’s collective head.
Based on how much they seem to see I can guess that there are a fair amount of people walking around with the notion that dressing like a confused bag lady is “so stylish it almost isn’t fair!” (Quote from a listing description for baggy, high waisted PURPLE washed jeans. Yes.)