I hate Miley Cyrus. But then again I’m not a pre-pubescent girl. I hate how she pushes her albums full of songs made out of pure crystal sugar and frothy air with zero regard for either music theory or worldly contribution. I hate her merchandise that pushes her crappy albums. I hate her face. She is so ugly. Every time I walk past an image of her in Walmart or anywhere I state, out loud, how ugly I think she is. That she has achieved this much fame is beyond comprehension. But really, I don’t hate her, I hate those who own her employ her to do this all for money. I hate Disney.
But it didn’t used to be like that. I was a believer. I thought Mickey Mouse was funny. I went to Disneyworld in 1994 and had a blast. They even let me test their brand new virtual reality console (for real) that featured graphics and interaction not seen in public until GTA4. I even went back in 2005. But that time I noticed something. I noticed that I was a sheep. A sheep on a farm grazing at the bland bland grass of crappy entertainment and brutalized art.
If disney was the Catholic church in the 14th century then I’d be Martin Luther. There’s even more similarities. Think of it. A founder who died but who lives on. Multi-national hundreds of billions of dollars empire. Oh sure they appear to be well intentioned and their rhetoric fits, but their policy has diverted drastically from the true dogma.
It is my responsibility to write these nintey five complaints and staple gun it to the front gate for the magic kingdom’s castle. Even if they take me to court like the Diet of Worms. It won’t matter. Clunkline is my Frederick of Saxony. More princes would join me. Universal. Paramount. NBC. Soon there’d be an all-out network Schmalkaldic War. Our Peace of Augsburg would be the right of any landowner to determine whether or not they would embrace the Disney/Cyrus agenda. For another century the struggle would continue until our St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre and Thirty-Years War, the mob killing of the whole Cyrus family and the complete destruction of southern Disney respectively. The new world order would be formed out of our Treaty of Westphalia; agreement between the networks to maintain a balance of teen starlet power.
Cuius hateio, eius cyrusio!
