Clunklanalysis: Obama's VP Picks, Part V

Tim “No Discernable Hairline” Kaine
Jim “Didn’t Say Macaca” Webb
Profile
Profile
Virginia Governor Tim “No Discernable Hairline” Kaine was an early Obama endorser, and came from the same town in Kansas as Obama’s mother. This has fueled speculation that he is Obama’s true father, which has in turn fueled further speculation that Kaine is a closeted black guy. Virginia Senator Jim “Didn’t Say Macaca” Webb won his election narrowly by not saying “macaca”. He’s under serious VP scrutiny as a result of his national security creds, his appeal to white Appalachians, and coming from Virginia.


Pros
Pros
Tim Kaine would give Obama Virginia. Narrowly. Jim Webb would give Obama Virginia. Narrowly.
Cons
Cons
Kaine was not a Clinton supporter, and therefore offers no “Unity” ticket, opting instead for a “Suck It, Hillary” ticket. Jim Webb came under fire for saying that there shouldn’t be women in the military, since they are for making babies. However, a recent factcheck.org report concludes that women are, in fact, for making babies.
Fun Facts
Fun Facts
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Tim Kaine killed Tim Abel. (Just like McCain killed McAbel.)
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Kaine’s slogan when running for Governor in 2000 was “Gimme Some Sugar: Kaine ’00.” Bruce Campbell threatened a lawsuit over the use of his phrase, saying Kaine had stooped to “Duke Nukem lows” to get that slogan. Kaine insisted it was just a harmless pun. Campbell shot back that it was a retarded pun and that he should be shot. Kaine responded that, as a Christian man, he couldn’t say what he really thought of Campbell. This remark prompted an outcry from the Frank Baum estate. Kaine and the entertainment industry have not spoken since.
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Fun Facts about people I don’t dislike are more boring because then I just pun off of their names.
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Tim Kaine likes sitting in his governor’s chair and pretending it is the command throne on the Starship Enterprise. He insists on calling his Lieutenant Governor “Number Two” and makes believe that he is fully bald.
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Tim Kaine’s name is an anagram of “Ain’t Mike”. Which he ain’t. He’s Tim.
Webb’s Vietnamese wife and John McCain could re-enact McCain’s participation in the Vietnam War.
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Jim Webb could employ his writing abilities to create phamplets to distribute throughout the states like Thomas Paine did in the Revolution. These phamplets would probably point out that Webb fought in Vietnam just like McCain did, but didn’t let the enemy capture him, therefore making him a better person in every way.
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Jim Webb reminds you of your middle school gym teacher, and you’re not quite sure why.
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Jim Webb is presently drafting a controversial choose-your-own-adventure book about the VP selection process. In the book, if Obama picks him, the world is saved from nuclear holocaust; if Obama does not, Webb stands by and does nothing when he sees a sniper move into place at Denver. The book is scheduled to be released right before the convention.
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Either Webb, Kaine, or Clark will be Obama’s VP, or I will shave my head. And by my head, I mean the part on the front that also grows hair. The beard, I think is the word for that.

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