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| Kansas Governor Kathleen “What Glass Ceiling?” Sebelius gives political women a good name in all the ways Clinton does not. She also has the remarkable ability (or remarkability, if you will) to win multiple elections, and remain very popular, as a Democrat in a blood-red state. This is because, every morning, she eats a bowl of Awesome Flakes (120% of your daily required Awesome), and you are what you eat. | Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel is a WHAT THE HELL HE’S A REPUBLICAN. Like Joe “Iscariot” Lieberman, he’s more or less switched sides on certain issues, although Lieberman is no longer even a Democrat in name. Like Obama, Hagel was an early and emphatic critic of the Iraq War, and has been unreserved in his praise for what he sees as Obama’s foreign policy clairvoyance. The difference between him and most Republicans is that he and Obama got out the rulers and measured. |
| Sebelius would probably increase Obama’s lead among women and help him with that old Clinton demographic, help him in agricultural states, and shift his image into moderate territory. There are no jokes in this paragraph because, unlike Chris Dodd’s eyebrows, she is no joke. | Chuck Hagel would–NOBODY KNOWS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. Would Nebraska turn blue? Would nobody vote for an Obama ticket with a social conservative? Would it boost Obama’s cred as “post-partisan”? Would Satan take his niece to the skating rink? |
| Sebelius is a woman other than Clinton. That means that if she shatters the glass ceiling first, Clinton will pick up a shard and stab her with it. | Chuck Hagel is a–WHAT IS CHUCK HAGEL DOING ON THIS LIST WHAT WOULD HAPPEN OMG WILD CARD WTF. |
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If Obama is assassinated in office, and she’s his VP, she’ll be our first female president. I need to stop being so obviously nervous about Obama’s safety and take it into my own hands. Those last few facts were not very fun. Sorry. Sebelius once turned down a romantic proposal from Evan Bayh, saying she was looking for someone with “substance”. Sebelius wrote a song called Finlandia, and a popular piece of music-writing software was named for her. Sebelius supports replacing all telephone poles with recycling plants in a last-ditch effort to fight climate change. In fact, she invoked Churchill, delivering a speech exactly like Churchill’s famous “we will fight them on the beaches…” speech, but with global warming substituted for the Nazis. When asked how so many recycling plants would not be redundant, or what Kansans would do for electricity, Sebelius pointed to her high approval rating and smiled. |
Hagel enlisted in the armed forces in time for Vietnam, hoping that he would be able to “work his way up through the ranks and take over the world”. Although his immediate goal failed, it is worth noting that, should he be selected, he would be quite close to achieving this. Hagel likes his cheeseburgers rare. It reminds him of the blood spilled in the war. Also, he likes the taste. But mostly blood. Blooooood. Hagel collected Pokèmon for a few years in the 90′s to show he was in touch with the day’s youth. Unfortunately, a major gaffe hurt his ratings with the key 12-and-under demographic, when he referred to a Charizard as a Charmander. Hagel was seen crying under a bench later that day. Hagel has worked hard in the Senate to pass legislation changing the spelling of “judgment” to “judgement” but Bush vetoed it, and threatened to send any citizens who spelled it “wrong” to Guantanamo Bay. Shortly thereafter, Hagel issued a press release questioning the President’s “judgement”, and the two had a staredown old-West style which Hagel won. In accordance with Senate tradition regarding staredowns, the law went into effect. Hagel has a tradition of wearing costumes to work on Halloween, usually masquerading as colleagues or other notable political figures. He has arrived at work dressed as Joe Biden, John McCain, Colin Powell, and Pat Roberts in past years. Also, this is for serious and copied straight from Wikipedia. What I wonder is, how did he pull off Powell? |
