At 9:37 A.M. Beijing time, Michael Phelps committed unspeakable acts while backstroking across The Water Cube’s surface. Immediately after he finished his final event of the day and won his 184th Gold Medal, he ruined the fun for everyone else. He was heard to yell that, “if [he] couldn’t win any more medals, then nobody was going to win any more medals.” Shortly thereafter, he soiled the pool, and his unspeakable substance spread across the surface of the pool even as Olympic security sought to fish him out with scum-nets.
Olympic regulations state that the pool must be used as is for the next event. The Olympic committee has been called into session during their recess to rule on this case.
Other athletes were furious. “Okay, so I’m not happy about swimming in that… that… stuff,” said Lars Norgaard (in Swedish). “But what’s even worse is where this sets the bar for the rest of us. Phelps did it, now we’re all going to be expected to do it. Eating to prepare for that? It’s gonna fuck up my diet!”
Phelp’s spokesperson said it was a sphinctral malfunction; Phelps declined to comment aside from some eerie, maniacal laughter.
The Olympic committee has reached a compromise: to admit Diarrhea Pooling as an Olympic sport. Competitors used the pool as-was for the event.
Phelps was awarded the Gold.