New Bluetooth ‘Blueteeth’ a clenching success

Just announced earlier this week, Microsoft’s new Blueteeth Human Interface Device (HID) has already received hundreds of accolades for its innovativeness.

The device replaces a computer’s traditional keyboard and mouse arrangement with two Bluetooth-enabled plastic molds fitted to the user’s teeth. Worn much like a retainer, these bright blue colored HIDs are made only slightly bulkier than the teeth they were modeled after due to the thin pressure-sensitive nodes resting above each tooth. By either clenching their teeth or pressing on specific teeth with their tongue, users can move the cursor around the screen, click, or even type.

“I don’t know what I would do without it!” exclaims quadruple amputee war veteran Sgt. Melissa Miller, one of the product’s beta testers. “Before, when I wanted to type, I had to lean in close and peck the keys with my tongue. Now I can keep my mouth closed and achieve the same effect.”

The molds for the teeth must first be acquired from an orthodontist, and then shipped to Microsoft headquarters in Seattle, Washington for the nodal implantation. “The entire process will take six to eight weeks,” says Microsoft spokesman Harold Stunt. “As of now, we already have over thirty applicants wishing to ditch their old arthritis-inducing setup, and we expect that number to double over the next few weeks.”

The only problem noted by the early adopters has been controlling their emotions, as a badly timed smile or clenching the teeth in anger has caused at least one incident of the computer spamming their address book’s contacts with gibberish before crashing, resulting in the famed Blue Screen of Death. “We’re looking into a supplement drug to calm people down while using this to avoid future problems," an embarrassed Stunt replied.

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