Thanks for buying the latest edition of Guide, Guide to Nations: Bulgaria. As westerners, it can be difficult to comprehend the cesspool that is this Balkan state. Therefore, as a world traveler, I have done the hard work and gone to this black hole of reason and law to ascertain its purpose and reveal it to the learned world.
Let’s begin with a fact: Bulgaria is terrible. Bulgarians are smelly, lazy, insignificant, irrepressible, vulgar, despicable, ridiculous, intolerant, abominable, horrific, sticky, mean, lacking in hygiene, builders of poor quality swimming pools, overweight, ugly, stupid, turd-like, ramshackle, and generally unpleasant at all times. There is basically nothing that Bulgaria has ever done that has influenced the world positively, and there is little evidence that will ever change.
Cuisine
The people there enjoy eating a foul mixture of the content’s of pig’s intestines stewed outside in an open pot for three days at 60 degrees F mixed with the urine of goats and the bark from local poisonous trees.
Fashion
Their clothing looks like it was made during the winter in the Soviet Union out of rocks and fish scales, and it itches terribly no matter how many layers of western clothing you wear underneath.
History
Bulgaria is the only state to have fought on the losing side of both 20th century World Wars and still exist. Clearly, they are evil as well as backwards.
Infrastructure
Roads, hospitals, sports venues, public buildings, harbors, and airports in Bulgaria are either non-existent or Iron Age quality, having been built in the Iron Age. In fact, Bulgaria’s only brief period of progressiveness was during the Iron Age, from 8:47PM on August 14th, 602 B.C. to 5:18PM the next day, with early inventor Klandicvilslaw Greafiortysk the Younger developing a new “Automatic-Shit-Hole-System”, driven by cogs and levers, before his village was routed by Thracian forces campaigning to civilize the barbarian region.
Sport
Truly, there is no reason for Bulgaria to exist, other than for the world to have a gigantic garbage dump at the ready. Bulgaria’s national fascination is a combination soccer-water-polo, played in a mud pit up to your waist with shackles on. There are no rules to the game but it doesn’t matter because it usually devolves into a fistfight in a matter of minutes.
Military
Bulgaria’s army is composed of three regiments of mounted pitch-forkers, one regiment of heavy Goat, an air force consisting of an ornithopter with a crossbow lashed to one wing, and a navy of sixteen first-rate ships of the line, purchased from Portugal in 1613. These now rest at anchor in the Yurbek Mud Flats.
Communications
There is one telephone line that runs into Bulgaria. The line to use the phone is usually fifteen days long, and each call lasts twenty seconds or less on pain of being beaten to death with a goat. There are no computers except some parts of ENIAC in the national laboratory, the most advanced mud hut in Sofia, the capital.
Politics
The Bulgarian president/monarch attempts to rule with an iron fist, but is generally ignored. No one cares about what he has to say, and the soldiers are loyal to themselves. Revolts break out on an hourly basis, rebellions about once a month, and revolutions occur about three times a year.
Economy
The national economy is half based on a medieval style goat-wool market and half based on international organized crime interests. There is no government regulation, and some major goat merchants make a relatively good living. (That is to say, they are able to buy more than one day’s worth of radishes at a time.)
Tourism
Bulgaria is probably the second most unsafe place to be on Earth after Antarctica. There is no reason to go there and very few who do ever return.
Conclusion
Well, I hope you enjoyed reading my finding on the fascinating and beautiful land of Bulgaria. Truly, their culture and peoples are a testament to Earth’s diversity and they will never cease amazing us. Make sure to look for the next edition of Guide soon!
