Howdy everyone and thanks yet again for buying the latest edition of Guide, Guide to Nations: Zimbabwe. As a world traveler, I have taken it upon myself to synthesize my acute knowledge of this mythic and amazing land for you the reader to enjoy. For a more memorable reading experience, place the book on a coffee table and do sit ups next to it. See how many words you can read per sit up, then try to break that record!
Zimbabwe is a desolate barren giraffe-infested wasteland in southwest Africa. Its perpetual leader, Robert Mugabe, is in league with Satan and is bent on the subjugation of the masses for the benefit of himself only. His favorite food is macaroni and cheese.
Zimbabwean culture includes paying more than a trillion dollars for a bus ride and being repressed. The national sport of Zimbabwe is a soccer variant called ‘dust-ball’, in which dozens of players try to play soccer in a dust storm.
Singing meercat-wild boar-lion triads are found all over the inner stretches of countryside, but are so prolific they are shot on site. In the cities, a new spectator sport of ‘giraffe limbo’, in which giraffes are forced by electric prods to duck lower and lower under a steel rod, has exploded in popularity.
On a daily basis, the average Zimbabwean will have to go to the bank three times to have zeroes added to their bank notes to keep them worth anything. Indeed, the paper on which the money is printed is worth more than any denomination below 500 Octillion Z-Dollars.
Sometimes the Dutch cause a ruckus in the south but are quickly dispatched when their tulip and cheese wheel supply lines become too stretched.
Well that’s it for this edition of Guide. If you didn’t like it, please take it up with my editor who lives at 1485 North Forest Avenue, Iowa City, Iowa, USA. To get his undivided attention, play speed metal through his bedroom windows at ungodly volumes at 3:30 am. One visitor per night only!
