Astute readers of this site will have noticed that Clunkline has recently added a new writer to our zoo: Simon Jester. Now we expect that all of you have heard of him already and probably wonder why Clunkline would sully its good name with such a monster. Certainly, the events of his scandalous life and mysterious death need no further elaboration. However, he has assured us that since his resurrection he is a changed man, and if there is one thing Clunkline stands for, it is child labor. But if there were two things Clunkline stood for, the other thing would be second chances, which is why we ask you, the readers, to give Simon Jester a shot.
We acknowledge that this will be difficult for many, especially since most of you probably know someone whom he killed, mutilated, or immolated. However, Simon would like to stress that many of the activities attributed to him are slanderous lies, and would like us to dispel some of these vicious rumors.
1. He was not single-handedly responsible for the London Ebola outbreak. At least four Canadians were also involved.
2. Although he did have a third nipple, he certainly did not have a third testicle.
3. Simon’s part in the Tunguska Event was minor at best. Gravity did most of the work.
4. He never tried to give US nuclear launch codes to the evil, underground civilization of Lizard-men, and frankly, such rumors are in very poor taste.
5. As no one except Simon himself came out of that ancient tomb alive, no one can really say what part, if any, Simon played in releasing the hideous undead forces of Nephren-Ka. Any attempt to blame the subsequent nightmare of darkness on Simon is conjecture at best.
6. He was not the super villain known only as The Fondler. Indeed, his phone records clearly show that he was in Hungary during The Fondler’s reign of terror across Utah.
7. He never slaughtered the remaining Native American population, and certainly not out of a desire to have America “finish what it started.”
8. Simon never photocopied Keith Olbermann’s balls. Olbermann did that all by himself.
9. Simon’s acquittal from charges of war crimes had more to do with his well-known rhetorical skills than with his possession of atomic weaponry.
10. While Simon did touch that singularity inappropriately, what you don’t know is that it was a naked singularity, and thus was both in violation of the laws of physics and clearly asking for it.
11. Simon was obviously not involved in 9/11, as he is demonstrably not Jewish.
12. The film Gladiator was not based on him. You’re thinking of 300.
13. Krakatoa would have blown up anyway.
In closing, Simon would ask that people refrain from speculating about things they do not know and cannot understand. It is better for all of us if we let the horrors of the past few decades fade into mist and shadow.
P.S. Let’s address this right now: Simon will NOT discuss the afterlife, he will NOT describe what he saw there, NOR will we share the secrets of his escape from that possibly hellish place. Do not bother to ask.