A celebratory Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), flanked by lobbyists from the environmental movement, announced that Congress had just approved three new flaws of Nuclear Power, continuing her brave crusade to keep the totally dangerous and obviously bad energy source away from America.
“Nuclear Power is definitely not the solution to all of our energy needs and environmental concerns,” stated Pelosi, “and hopefully these new flaws will show this once and for all.” Pelosi then proceeded to outline the definitely not made up out of thin air new concerns:
“First, did you know that Nuclear Power was directly responsible for the Spanish Inquisition?” queried Pelosi. When it was pointed out that the Inquisition had ended centuries before Nuclear Power was developed, Pelosi mumbled something about holes in the space-time continuum and space aliens. But she quickly regained her composure.
“It turns out that Nuclear Power, and not Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, shot all those poor children at Columbine. Can America afford to support such a bloodthirsty energy source?” When it was asked how an abstract idea like Nuclear Power could wield a firearm, Pelosi whipped a 12-gauge, sawed-off shotgun from under the podium. After obliterating two Associated Press and three Reuter’s reporters, Pelosi continued:
“Do I have you attention now?” She asked, her Amazonian eyes blazing like two cooling towers melting down. “Now then, flaw number three is that Nuclear Power, uh…has a dog fighting ring in its backyard. Yeah, Nuclear Power thinks dogs are only good for killing each other for our amusement. Doesn’t that shock you? Do you finally understand why we cannot build new plants? DO YOU?! DO YOU FUCKERS UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKING SERIOUS THIS IS?!” Pelosi then let out a primal scream before blasting her way through the crowd and into a waiting van driven by Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). The two proceeded to go on a multi-state killing spree with a variety of automatic weapons and homemade explosives left 18 dead and 46 wounded. As of press time the two legislators are still at large, and the FBI would like to warn people not to approach the rogue congressmen, as they are considered armed and extremely dangerous.
While no one approves of their regrettable descent into homicidal rage, many are extremely supportive of Pelosi and Reid’s legislative efforts. Al Gore, noted wolf-crier and member of the League of Shadows was very happy with the new flaws.
“The American people were becoming dangerously receptive to Nuclear Power. After all, it could solve all our energy needs, make electric cars more feasible, and emits no greenhouse gases. The old excuses and lies about safety just weren’t cutting it anymore.” Clunkline then asked Gore why, if it solved everyone’s problems so neatly, he was opposed to it. Gore then snapped our neck like a twig, raped our wife, and took our 2-year-old son to be raised in the way of the Ninja in his secure, mountaintop fortress.