On my visit to the Obama Oakland office today, I thought of several things which, taken together, would surely cripple McCain’s operations once and for all.
-Late in the day, go into his campaign offices, pretend to volunteer, writing fake names on things. This is just a pretense to get inside. Then, when nobody is paying attention, turn their thermostat all the way up and leave. Do this late enough in the day that nobody will notice. On top of making the office unlivable for a few hours the next day, you’ll drive up his utility bills. Yay!
-Get a McCain sticker on your car. Put it next to a Confederate Flag sticker. Cut people off on the highway and throw beer cans at pedestrians.
-Send black faxes to his campaign offices to waste fax toner. But don’t just send them a few pages. Send them infinite pages. Tape a single black page in a loop in your fax machine so it continuously sends them garbage.
-Drink lots of fluids. Find an excuse to go into his campaign offices. Once inside, pee on things and leave.
-Get Cindy McCain’s phone number through sketchy sources. Then, leave her creepy voicemail messages, pretending to be Joe Biden. Example messages:
“Hey, Joe Biden here. Just callin’ trying to reach John, cause he knows he can count on me anytime, to do anything. Speaking of which, has John been putting out lately? Because you know you can count on me anytime, to do anything. Uh… that’s all, talk to you later.”
“Hi, I’m Joe Biden. I am squinting right now thinking about you. Ohhh yeah… pay at my pump, baby.”
“*Creepy breathing* …I’m Joe Biden, and I approve this message.”
-Enter McCain’s campaign offices in a Texan getup and holler racist things in “support” of McCain until everybody leaves or you are arrested. If you are arrested, projectile-vomit on the upholstery while they drag you out.
-Get canvassing materials for the McCain campaign from their offices. When canvassing, grin and holler racist things at people until they slam their doors in your face. If they start grinning and hollering back, projectile-vomit on them.
-Find an old man in the streets. Ask him if he is voting for McCain. If he says yes, squeeze his colostomy bag so the poo goes back in his body.
-While wearing a McCain pin, rape people.
In retrospect, this could backfire. McCain supporters actually like you better if you do things like this.