My Pet Peeves (5)

HHHHHHHello! HHHHHHow are you all doing?

Here’s a pet peeve of mine that I think all of us can agree is quite annoying. There’s a common type of person whom all of us have met at one point or another. Sometimes, he’s your history professor in college. Sometimes, he’s the strange neighbor down the street that is completely oblivious to the fact that no one likes him and who has managed to somehow identify you, of all people, as his chum. Heaven forbid this type of person is actually a member of your immediate family. He’s somewhere in the neighborhood of thirty to forty years of age, wears sweater vests and golf socks, is well versed in Shakespeare and philosophy, and, not least of all, has been boasting a glistening bald patch in the back of his head since he was twenty-three. This person (here it comes) OVEREMPHASIZES THE “H” IN EVERYTHING HE SAYS. “WHHHHHHy, HHHHHHow are you doing today?” he might say. “Excuse me, wHHHHHat was that you said? HHHHHHalitosis? Me?”

Will this population of wind bags ever realize how loony they sound in over “HHHH-ing” their “H’s”? No, of course they won’t, and while often times we grow frustrated as they enunciate blasts of nauseous gasses in our faces, none of us really wants to stop them. Yes, this is definitely a pet peeve of mine, but it’s also a great source of pleasure. When communicating with one of these individuals, I often times join them in sounding like the Great Plains. Other times, I jibe at their impediment, and the insult just sails over their head… probably adrift on the current of their “HHHHHHHHHH.” Below, I have typed out what a typical conversation with one of these men is like. (For discussion purposes, I will name the subject person Sheherazade.)

“WHHHHHy hello there, J-tin.”

“Oh, HHHHHHHi, Sheherazade.”

“Fine wHHHHHeather wHHHHe’re having, eh?”

“A bit gusty if you ask me.”

“WHHHere are you off to?”

“Wherever the wind takes me, I suppose.”

“Got any ClHHHHHasses today?”

“Yeah. At least six hours worth, plus lab work tonight.”

“WHHHHHell, that BlowHHHHHs.”

“I couldn’t have said it any better myself.”

“By they wHHHay, J-tin, have I told you HHHHHow amazing you are yet today? I am breathless wHHHith admirHHHHation.”

“I wouldn’t have been able to tell, Sheherazade.”

……And so on an so fHHHHHHorth.


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