Welcome friends. Here’s a few of my personal favorite recipes and presentation tips for Autumn, my favorite time of year.
Football Sunday Turfburger
1 lb cow meat
1 large carrot
Build a small fire and toss the cow into the coals. Withdraw with bare hands, making a low guttural noise as you kick back the lesser males. You, the alpha, have earned the right to feed first. Consume the onion next, raw, then use the carrot to dispatch your beta male rival.
8oz. blood of a virginal sacrifice
1 length of fir branch
2 blazing torches
1 virginal sacrifice, female
Summon the Order to the hill of Slardro. Place the torches near the Altar of the Stars, being sure not to let the neophytes gaze upon the Franic Runes. Issue the incantation of the Altar, and drink the blood. Making sure the sacrifice is properly gagged and terrified, chain her to the Altar. Use the branch to draw in the soil the circle of Hrothgar, and sing the Order’s theme song “Heart of Gold”. Look for Neil Young’s face to appear in the clouds overhead Mufasa-style and you can ask him anything you want. If your Order is of the Jutyo Sect, sing “Kodachrome” instead and look for Paul Simon.
Election Day Stew
1 high caliber rifle or repeating shotgun
1 serrated survival knife with built in compass/gps/knock out gas/garrote
Combine ammunition with firearms, and place remainder in the bandoleer. There are a few options at this point. A good idea for beginners is to combine this set up with a high speed automobile and run the Canadian or Mexican border, gunning down as much martial law enforcement as possible, then swearing allegiance to the Queen or Venezuela-Russia depending where you end up. A more festive twist takes you into the heart of what once was Washington, DC, inside a hijacked armored transport vehicle from where to launch a New World Order establishing armed resistance. Just like Napoleon!
Thanksgiving Pumpkin Surprise
1 kosher all beef hot dog
1 personal pan pizza
1 beef flank steak
1 turkey, flayed out and deboned
1 large pumpkin
1 tub batter
1 vat boiling oil
Nest the first six ingredients into each other, in order. Tie the pumpkin shut with string and dunk in the batter. Plop the whole thing into the oil vat, 20 minutes on each side of the floating pumpkin. Remove, rest on a rack, and slice into pieces like a cake. Include gallon sized Super-Imbibe mugs of apple cider to complete the meal. Host the whole party inside a hollowed out giant sequoia trunk.