“This entire mess was started by banks giving out loans to insolvent people,” said Harry Reid in a speech on the Senate floor today in favor of the bailout. “The obvious solution to this is to lend money to insolvent backs.”
Clunkline asked Reid if this was not a recipe for further disaster. He responded, “Well, if there’s one thing this bailout has proved, it’s that there’s always someone standing ready to bail someone else out. In our case, that might be foreign countries,” said Reid, whose Chinese overlords prevented him from taking further questions.
Both Presidential candidates also came out in favor of the bailout. Asked McCain, “During our last major crisis–9/11–did we blink? Did we patiently sit down at a table and think through a plan that actually made any sense? No, my friends. We acted immediately. We flailed madly about in every direction until we hit something. We threw spaghetti at the wall until it stuck. Now it’s true that in the meantime we wasted a lot of spaghetti, but my friends, I’ve never really liked pasta that much anyway.”
McCain also accused Obama of playing politics with the issue by trying to solve it and not attacking McCain. “Now is not the time for partisan attacks, or idiots like Obama,” said Tucker Bounds, McCain’s most arrogant spokesman.
Obama, meanwhile, stood on the floor of the Senate urging the bill’s passage. “Now, I know that this is not our favorite bill. It’s kind of like the pasty, acne-riddled kid in dorky glasses in 6th grade gym class. None of us like it, but we have to play the game with it anyway.
“Yesterday we saw the consequences of inaction. Taxpayers concerned about losing $700 billion cost the stock market $1.2 trillion in a single day. While these Wall Street asshats deserve nothing better than our boots up their collective anal sphincters, for the sake of the American people, we have to give them more money.”
When we asked Ben Bernanke for a comment, he responded in a stereotypically Jewish way, because you see he is Jewish and stereotypes are funny.
