I think I’m just going to steer clear of indigenous peoples until Thanksgiving is over

I ran into the indigenous peoples of the Americas today. I felt really awkward.

Read the full article

High Drama According to Koji: Part II

Some time ago, I wrote of a fellow named Koji who was (past tense) in my screenwriting class for a while. I am posting his first, best work as a tribute to the great writer that once was.

Read the full article

Man Refuses to Plunge Toilet

According to well-placed sources, Phil Higgins of Omaha, Nebraska, would rather live with a perpetually-clogged toilet than deal with the problem. And when he is forced to deal with it, instead of plunging it, he just flushes, waits five minutes for the water to drain, and flushes again, repeating ad nauseum until it either fixes itself or his roommate fixes it for him.

Read the full article

Obama Nominates Starcraft General to be S.o.D.

The zerglings look angrier than usual.

President-Elect Obama shocked many in the punditocracy by nominating Chin Soo-Choo, the world’s only 5-star Starcraft general, to be his Secretary of Defense. “Chin has all the qualities that I look for in a general: he has a complete grasp of the proper use of High Templar, he is unbeatable when playing Zerg, and he is so über-micro it’s ridiculous.”

Read the full article

Student Runs Out of Excuses

IS major Dan Chorros recently became at a loss to explain away his chronic tardiness, absence, and apathy. Once a master of making excuses, he found himself rationalizing his lethargy with extremely weak reasoning.

Read the full article

Top Phrases You Never Knew Were About Sex

Putting two and two together.

1. I like the cut of your jib.

2. You can have your cake and eat it too.

3. It’s like putting a square peg in a round hole.

Read the full article

Local Researcher Coins New Physics Term

Dwayne Smith, a physicist with a Ph.D. from MIT, has named a developing physics concept after himself. The Smith Point, as it has come to be called, is an expression representing the point in time at which one’s need to relieve oneself overcomes one’s aversion to sitting on a room-temperature toilet seat during the winter months.

Read the full article

The Dungeons And Dragons Rap

[Hook:]
Yo I’m the VIP in the D&D
So don’t nobody be role playa hatin’ on me
‘Cause I’m the VIP in the D&D
So don’t nobody be role playa hatin’ on me

[Verse 1:]
What! What!
I’m a real dungeon master
A f****n’ spell caster
Ain’t nobody can finish a campaign any faster
With my staff of power I’ll bring the devastation
Got the multi-sided dice of every denomination
And you better not ignore
My ability score
It gets better wit’ every dungeon I explore
So stand aside and don’t try nothin’ funny
Or else I’ll have to hit you wit’ my 3d20

Read the full article

Man Earns Welding Degree

Joachim DelGrasse, 27, was awarded today his diploma from Weld-Tech School in Thortonville for successful completion of his six-month course of study.

Read the full article

Where will you be?

So what if it’s really nothing more than a real ad for Pepto-Bismol?

Texas is Shaped like a Retarded Swastika

Something about Texas has bothered me for years, but I was never able to put my finger on it until now.

Coincidence?

Student-Taught Courses that Didn’t Make it Past the Drawing Board

Understanding Furries
History of Procrastination
How to Grow a Beard
Breaking and Entering for Beginners

Read the full article

Guide to Pittsburgh Poo Spots

Hey, Pittsburgh urban explorers and tourists! Make sure to check out these spots that smell like poo.

Location: Fifth Ave. and Amberson
Cause: Sewer and unfortunate wind currents
Fun Fact: Plumbers deliberately built the sewer to be pungent, to be a lasting monument to sewage workers everywhere.

Read the full article

Poor Man’s Substitutes

For every genuine product, there are cheap ripoffs meant for mass consumption.

Equilibrium: Poor Man’s Matrix
Runescape: Poor Man’s WoW
3: Poor Man’s Pi

Read the full article

Third Party Candidate “Maybe” Spoils Referendum

The narrow victory of “Yes” on Election Day appears to be due, in part, to interference from Reform Party’s “Maybe”, which received 4% of the popular vote. According to exit polling data, 2/3 of Maybe voters had No as a second choice. Had Maybe not been on the ballot, it is highly probable that No would have won.

Read the full article