Taking to heart the Obama campaign’s fortuitous slogan “Yes We Can,” a whole bunch of people got together and solved a majority of the world’s problems Saturday.
“We all got to thinking, maybe it’s not just up to the candidates, or the people at the top who can do things,” said history professor Darwin Adams. “Maybe some problems are actually better solved by Joe Sixpack fixing his own life than by Joe Biden trying to fix someone else’s.”
“At first, we were put off by the McCain campaign’s ‘No You Can’t’ ad campaign, but after a while someone just said, ‘Screw it, I read The Little Engine That Could and I think I can,’” reported Yanni Holbes, taxi driver. “Insecurity and fear were the first to go, and you’d be amazed what a difference that made! After that, rampant consumerism went out the door pretty quickly, which made the environment awesome, and it made racism and xenophobia a lot easier to solve, too.”
“Now that I no longer feel paralyzed by fear of the impending doom of all that I know and love, I’m finding it much easier to be positive,” said sports fan Donald Bumsa. “As a result, I’m spending much less time abusing drugs and watching TV. There was a middle period where I was abusing my TV and watching drugs, but I got over that.”
“Education and personal responsibility have improved health, lowered the number of abortions, and ended poverty,” said Dr. Trevor Bolts, M.D.. “No one’s really playing the lottery much anymore, now that everyone realizes that there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but that’s okay. My wife and I have been cooking more, anyway. Yesterday we made this mushroom risotto. Delicious!”
The political campaigns had not stopped their back-and-forth for a minute. However, they were still eager to win votes so, seeing the tides had changed, they changed the messages of their campaigns to “More of the Same from Palin and McCain” and “Actually, Wait, This is Fucking Awesome ’08.” However, the extent to which this will influence voters is uncertain, as news reporters are now spending time with their families instead of reporting on dubiously relevant polls.
So that’s it. Turns out that many of our problems needed personal action and not legislation. So, whoever wins on Election Day, whatevs! (say voters), because man, we are set. After all, government is the fruit of our wickedness, and now the only wicked that’s going around is wicked AWESOME. Oh, and the musical. Because the musical is GREAT.
This article was originally written by Sgt. Earth and published concurrently by readme.
