This is the face of the vacuum cleaner that will bring about the end of days.
The Hoover Windtunnel Bagged Upright is about four feet of blue apocalypse. When you remove it from the box, the O Fortuna bit of the Carmina Burana starts playing.
I let the thing sit for a couple of days, because there were either people sleeping in my house or I just didn’t have time to use it. However, today I decided to carry it upstairs, plugged it in, and let loose the four horsemen.
I plugged in the beast, walked over to it, and flipped the switch, conveniently located on the handle. The first thing this weapon of mass suction did was attempt to jerk me to the ground by taking off like a drag racer just letting off its trans-brake. I’m pretty sure that purely through the power of its own brush, this machine could pull you along at a good 3-5mph if you wore a pair of rollerblades. And you’d leave a path of cleanliness behind!
The noise it made was more akin to something made by Pratt and Whitney than Hoover… It sounded like the engines of a 747 in the throes of takeoff throttle. This served to further convince me that my vacuum cleaner’s power wasn’t measured in terms of suction, but in pounds of thrust of its exhaust.
The most exciting feature of this death machine, however, was the “dirt detector” feature. Using it on dirty carpet (which never lasts long), the red light will shine. However, as the carpet becomes clean, it gives way to a little green light. This makes vacuum cleaning endlessly more fun. It’s sort of like a game, whereby you have to make sure that little light doesn’t turn red anywhere in the room in question. I’d like to try using it on homeless people.
Now, I’ve run out of time. You can imagine your own conclusion to this article.
