At this point, it should be clear that we aren’t talking Tolkien here. Hell, we aren’t even talking “Conan the Barbarian.” Everything that makes epic fanstasy laughable, or retarded, is present. But what pushes it over the top cannot be expressed in mere words, for it is Rhapsody’s music that truly ups the nerdy ante. The music is a deafening thunder of double bass, a titanic clash of guitars, and a pretentious and unnecessary tinkle of harpsichords, all tied together by a dragon’s wail of vocals that express a full range of emotions, from heroic courage to heroic… um… chutzpah. They truly have to be heard to be believed.
And yet, this is the puzzle of Rhapsody for me. While their lyrics and story are epically misguided, their music kicks some serious ass. If you are a metal nerd like me, I dare you not to enjoy their songs on musicianship alone. Thus, I feel I must give the band their due. While they may be the nerdiest band on this or any other planet, they are certainly not any nerdier than me.
Top 5 Rhapsody songs:
5. “The Village of Dwarves”. This song is anchored by a badass organ line, and has an enjoyable Irish-drinking-song groove. It’s also about Dwarves, which we all know are awesome.
4. “The Mighty Ride of the Firelord”. This song lasts an impressive 9 minutes and 15 seconds, and is every bit as bloated as that length would imply. What saves it is some inspired guitar and organ playing that helps one to ignore lines like:
Black angel, I call you! King Chaos is raging
in the torment of my heart…
I call the holy earthquake to end this bloody Hell!
3. “Trolls in the Dark”. At only 2 and a half minutes long, “Trolls” is a nice break after the last song. It is also an instrumental, functioning mostly as a showcase for Luca Turilli’s virtuosity on the guitar, as well as the band’s melodic abilities. It is also mercifully free of any stupid lyrics.
2. “Gargoyles, Angels of Darkness”. If you thought “The Mighty Ride of the Firelord” was a horrible monstrosity of a song, wait until you hear this one, which clocks in at a truly astounding 19 minutes. This song functions as the climax to the Emerald Sword Saga, and no other song so fully encapsulates Rhapsody’s lunatic ambitions, musical ferocity, and hamfisted storytelling.
1. “Emerald Sword”. And yet, my favorite song will always remain this one. This was the first Rhapsody song I ever listened to, and it kicked my ass so completely that I’m still having trouble shitting, eight years later. The music is incredible, and the lyrics, while stupid, convey an undeniable and irresistible passion. And when the chorus starts up, I still get goosebumps. Man, fuck this essay, I’m gonna listen to this song again. Peace.
P.S. I stopped buying their albums with 2002’s Power of the Dragonflame. Since then, the band has apparently changed their name to the even nerdier “Rhapsody of Fire”, and has commenced a new chapter of the Emerald Sword Saga. I guess I’ll have to do a full addendum to this article at some point…
