Travel Guide to Pointless Places: Land of the Yoopers

Despite all that, tourism is their main industry. Or perhaps it’s just that every other industry is so non-existent that tourism got lucky. People who might like to go there: fishers, hunters, or anyone who just wants to see something astonishingly lame and has already been to Cleveland. But why go so far to hunt, when you can hunt within the convenience of the Detroit city limits?

Famous Yupers include Seaborg, who was so proud of his childhood home that he moved away at the first chance he got, and Steven Wiig. Oh–so THAT’s where Steven Wiig is from! The Steven Wiig, the one and only! …Hell, if there were two Steven Wiig’s I’d just have to conclude there was no God.

What? You’ve never heard of the famous Steven Wiig? Well, the great Wiki tells me that he’s the mastermind of such amazing albums as “GROINBLITZER”, which he worked on with the legendary Neil Hamburger. Or maybe I’m trying to make a point about what it takes to be noteworthy in the cultureless wasteland that is the Yoop. Anywhere where a guy named “Wiig” can be notable should probably be bombed into oblivion… if it isn’t already there.

Every Yuper, we conclude, looks like part of Kenny’s family.

And there’s one more entry in “Notable Yoopers” that deserves mention.

* “Art Van Damme, jazz accordionist, was born in Norway.”

So that’s relevant to the Yoop why? Did he move there? We don’t know–it doesn’t say! Jazz Accordionist?! Jazz Accordion makes you NOTABLE?! Maybe it’s being born in Norway that makes him notable? I’d just like to point out that no part of this makes any fucking sense.

And then there’s this.

How? How does this happen? How do you make it? How do you climb up there?

And why? Why is a pretty big question, too.

My best guess so far, is they suck at parallel parking.

People from the Yoop also like to talk like idiots. Their accent sounds like someone took a Minneapolitan and hit him over the head with Canada. They drop the “to the” out of everywhere that it would help you to understand what the hell they’re trying to say. “I’m going store.” “We went mall.” “We go Green Bay.” What?

I say to them, “Go back Finland.”