1. Robert Plant is gonna leave you, he said baby, you know he’s gonna leave you, he’ll leave you when the summer comes a-rollin’, leave you when the summer comes along. (Led Zeppelin – “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”)
2. Someone named Jamie is crying. (Van Halen – “Jamie’s Cryin’”)
3. Yesterday don’t matter if it’s gone. (The Rolling Stones – “Ruby Tuesday”)
4. Roger Daltrey, whose heart is like a broken cup, really wants to know who you are. (The Who – “Who Are You”)
5. A kazoo solo makes for an amusing song. (Pink Floyd – “Corporal Clegg”)
In a move that NSA operative Marvin Jenkins calls “only the biggest waste of time ever,” the digital TV converter boxes handed out by the government were installed with hidden cameras, allowing them to monitor the private lives of citizens. It’s a decision which everyone involved is seriously regretting, however, as so far the only result of this not-so-secret program has been hours upon hours of footage of pasty, old, fat people staring mindlessly at their screens.
Just announced! This revolutionary device will soon be a staple in every home and office building, on every street corner, even in the local graveyard!
But what does it do?
Simple!
It takes the air around it and gives it a strong ironic charge. These charged particles affect the world around them, resulting in extraordinary events of a strong ironic tone. See it in action!
Gentlemen, I have finally completed my plan for the ultimate heist. Yes, that’s right, we’re going to steal all of the furniture from the White House. Yes… all of it. We’re going to be rich beyond our wildest dreams. Who wouldn’t want to buy President Taft’s extra large bath tub? Or the whiskey cabinet where Ulysses S. Grant poured himself a cold one? Or the mirror Nixon practiced all his lies in front of? Or the love seat where Thomas Jefferson fucked his slaves? Of course as the one who planned this caper I will have to claim the greatest prize: the bed where Grover Cleveland slept. I know we all wanted that one but I think it is only fair that I should be allowed to sleep in the same bed as my idol.
I decided to see if my Tarot cards, collectively named Dexter (a deck named Dex, get it?), have a sense of humor. I asked him to make a joke by flipping over a card to create a set up, a card to elaborate the story, and then a card to act as punchline for three jokes. This is the result, which I have taken the liberty of interpreting using my clandestine powers of divination and comedy.
My otherwise perfect physical appearance is marred by a horrible deformity, so grotesque that I am shunned by members of polite society. Yes, I speak of my third nipple.
What is the essence of ballness? To understand these questions let us imagine the perfect ball. What color is your perfect ball? Is it red? It had better be.
“The game has gone on too long. My mom said I need to go home,” said German Chancellor Fritz Wilhelm von Deutschland today to the entire company of the gameroom today.
I’m so sorry I haven’t taken the time to write in a long while. My life’s gone down the rabbithole. I’m starting to think the only solution to this is for me to go back in time and kill my grandfather, so none of this ever happens.
Leonid’s an inexperienced nuclear technician three months on the job, two if you don’t count all the clowning around he does! Number four is an RBMK-1000 reactor at the end of his fuel cycle…and at the end of his wits! Together, they ask, “What could possibly go wrong?” Tonight’s Episode: Worst Case Scenario…ever!
We open on the control room as Leonid walks in
FOUR: Did you manage to get the lights back on in corridor thirteen?
LEO: Yeah, it took me a while to find a replacement for the breaker since they’re now colorless instead of bright red and they jam a little. I had trouble getting the new clear fuse in. (cue laugh track)
Hitachi Okinawa was a disturbed elderly man who appeared in the streets of Kyoto on February 23, 1935, smelling of sake and wearing clothes made entirely of rice-cakes. By noon, police had noticed his odor, his tendency to scare pigeons, and his lewd glares at women and young boys.
Okay, so here’s a thought: There is no past nor is there a future. The entire universe exists only for a single instant and our perceptions of a past merely result from the configuration of the current world.
Think about it, the only proof of the existence of the past is the configuration of current items such as the email your girlfriend sent to break up with you, the note on the roses you sent her, or the text of the subsequent restraining order. Aside from the deep and crippling emotional pain you live with knowing you will never find love again, all “proof” of the relationship consists of items in the present, items which can be duplicated without having had that “actual” past just as one could doctor your face onto her prom date’s picture and plaster it to the ceiling of your room.
