In a move that NSA operative Marvin Jenkins calls “only the biggest waste of time ever,” the digital TV converter boxes handed out by the government were installed with hidden cameras, allowing them to monitor the private lives of citizens. It’s a decision which everyone involved is seriously regretting, however, as so far the only result of this not-so-secret program has been hours upon hours of footage of pasty, old, fat people staring mindlessly at their screens.
“In retrospect, I’m not really sure what we were hoping to accomplish by doing this,” said Jenkins. “It’s not like people ever do anything interesting while they’re sitting there.”
It’s an alarming trend that has almost five Americans worried about the mental health of our elected officials, as it appears as if our government doesn’t seem to realize that most people don’t have lives that are nearly interesting enough for the government to care about.
So far, the NSA has managed to collect pages upon pages of utterly useless statistics, including the amount of drool secreted by the typical 40-year-old while flipping through infomercials at 3 in the morning, the total number of sandwiches assembled by Americans during commercial breaks, and the number of people who installed their converters backwards so that the camera faces the wall.
NSA’s Chief of Eavesdropping On People For No Real Reason, who asked that we not reveal his identity or the fact that such a position exists, admits that most government spying programs these days are usually implemented “as more of a formality than anything else.”
“At this point, the government has been secretly intruding on people’s lives for so long, we basically do this sort of thing without even thinking about it anymore.”
According to a recent report by a more trustworthy news organization, the various government spying programs that exists today collect an average of 15,672 hours of secret footage per week, 99% of which is never actually viewed by anyone due to the content being “just too damn boring.”
“I guess it’s not as bad as that time when we thought it would be a good idea to install hidden cameras in toilets,” said Jenkins. “Now that was a mistake.”
