I have an uncle. His name is Karl. His name is unimportant but I think it really says something about him. Karl. See what I mean. Anyway Karl’s job title is contractor. However, Karl’s job is to do no actual work, complain about things and use my aunt to get prescription painkillers. Good for Karl. Now that we have gotten to know Karl, it’s story time.
I love dinosaurs. My favorite dinosaur is the triceratops. This is again irrelevant to the story but I think it says something about me. Our story takes place when I was 5; my parents had brought me to my grandmother’s house for a family get together. I was innocently playing with my toy triceratops when I was approached by Karl. Karl sat down next to me and told me that there was no such thing as dinosaurs. It was simply put, “impossible for them to exist because the Earth had been created by God only 5000 or so years ago.” At this point my eyes began to well up, but Karl was not finished. “In fact,” he said, “the only reason we think there are dinosaurs is that a bunch of Jews got together, made some fake skeletons and buried them so that years down the road they could use it as an excuse to steal the money of hard working Christians like him. Also, the Holocaust never happened.” I began to sob, my lifelong dream of owning a triceratops ruined.
Looking back on this story I like to imagine Karl’s thought process during the events I just explained. I think it was a little something like this.
Sweet Jesus! My poor nephew has been deceived by those Jewish devils. I hear your call, O Lord. Karl your servant is here to do your good work. I will educate this boy so he can see your glory. How best to do this? I think perhaps I will use scientific fact to break the lie that is the foundation for his devil worship. Yes, I know child I cry sometimes when I think of the beauty of the Lord’s work too. Fear not for he will protect us hard working men from the nefarious Jews. Now, for a celebratory dose of OxyContin.