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starring by /written by/ actor(s) / director(s() / gaffers(s)/ /producered by(s) : VINCENT BROWN something no one worked on but VINCENT Q. BROWN himself… BREAKING BAD In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!* Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods. Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change. Ingredients: 1 Oreo crust Public Access TV will always be known as the proto-YouTube for people who cared about their idiotic obsessions enough to apply to have them broadcast, but not enough to put any time or thought into them. Sometimes the results were abominable. Sometimes they were just merely atrocious. And sometimes… they were ineffable. Take, for instance, this fellow on the Hurdy-Gurdy: From the Clunkline Future Affairs Correspondence Desk- March 9th, 2025 Christian Bale, 51, the disgraced ex-actor, has apparently sent himself back in time to halt production of Terminator: Salvation; the legendary 2009 flop that he feels is responsible for the destruction of his career. I’m getting ready to start a lab when I realize that I don’t have any ethanol to wipe down my lab bench with. I am now faced with a choice: I can borrow ethanol from the guy to my left or the attractive girl behind me. Tough choice. The first option is definitely safer. I wouldn’t have to worry about my voice cracking, my shoe laces suddenly being tied together or my pants spontaneously falling down as the universe’s way of getting even with me. At the same time I would not have the opportunity to begin a dialogue with the girl that I spend most of the lectures staring at. Tough choice… tough choice. I could… tough choice. No wait… damn… tough choice. Well, let it not be said that I am a coward. It’s a fact: not all internet phenomena are created equally. Every once in a while, a bizarre idea spawned in the festering forums of 4chan will get lucky enough to make its way out into the real world and enter the everyday lives of normal people; but for every “Hamster Dance” or “Peanut Butter Jelly Time,” there are at least three other attempts at creating the next big cultural icon that never make it too far past the planning stages… I have an uncle. His name is Karl. His name is unimportant but I think it really says something about him. Karl. See what I mean. Anyway Karl’s job title is contractor. However, Karl’s job is to do no actual work, complain about things and use my aunt to get prescription painkillers. Good for Karl. Now that we have gotten to know Karl, it’s story time. Like many of you whose girlfriend has left them for another species, I often find myself comparing my penis to that of many animals. For those of you who have not had the opportunity to degrade yourself, I went to the Icelandic Phallological Museum, home of more than 245 preserved penises to learn about the wonders of the animal penis kingdom.
The Logic of Ronnie I’ve already pointed out a few examples of situations in which Ronnie makes very bizarre logical errors, but there are plenty more available. They follow. This question has been eating at me for a long time, because you see, so many psychologists are Jewish, and Jewish people are hilarious. This logic is flawless. Except maybe for the fact that bankers and lawyers are not hilarious. Well, today we have another data point to add, since my Cognitive Brain Imaging professor decided to briefly address humor in class. (Although, I’m pretty sure he’s a goy, being the exception that proves the rule.) It’s time again for the Clunkline “columns from you guys” feature, where we give you, the reader, a chance to voice your opinion. Today’s guest column comes from Garth Q. Jennings in Dead Possum, Alabama, who dictated the following rant to one of our secretaries because he himself can’t type. Or spell. *** If Nuclear Weapons Are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Nuclear Weapons by Garth Q. Jennings Well, the government is at it again! Trying to infringe on my God-given right to carry a nuclear missile for self defense. And put “God-given right” in all caps. Wait, are you writing that down, too? Don’t write this part down, just the rest of it. A different perspective on events eight years old. Following pressure from President Bin Laden, the Senate voted unanimously to invade North America, a fascist nation thought to be harboring terrorists from the fundamentalist Christian terrorist group Project for a New American Century. Known for their megalomaniacal aims, gross nationalism, and no qualms about using force, the Project for a New American Century is the United States of the Middle East Except For Israel’s greatest foe: an axis of evil unilaterally disseminating their fundamentalist propaganda, and sending thousands of well-armed terrorists surging into USMEEFI territories. A bill has passed the House to give a Representative in Congress to the heavily-Democratic District of Columbia, which has lacked any sort of voice in the Capitol since the nation’s founding. License plates in DC are emblazoned with “Taxation without Representation” in protest. Controversially, the bill also contains a provision giving an extra Congressional vote to Republican Utah, in order to even out the partisan mixture of the new additions. Utah narrowly missed getting an extra seat in 2000, and has since been throwing temper tantrums. “No taxation without disproportionate representation,” read license plates in Utah. |
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