Tanzmetall's Recessipes

In tough economic times like these, we can no longer afford to eat lobsters garnished with panda blood and diamond sauce. Today, I walk you through some easy way to tighten your belts without also tightening your taste buds!*

*Taste buds cannot be tightened.

Here are some alternative recipes for your favorite foods.


Real cheesecake requires expensive ingredients and gas-oven preparation. With energy prices these days, something had to change.


1 Oreo crust
2 packs ValuTime® American cheese


Preheat microwave to 45 seconds. Place ValuTime® cheese in Oreo crust. Insert into microwave and press Start. Cut with pizza cutter and serve lukewarm.

Breakfast Cereal

Pre-processed cereal and manufactured bowls are now a luxury few can afford. This recipe sidesteps that nuisance. Plus, no dishes to wash!


50 stalks of wheat from your neighbor’s vegetable garden
1 gallon ValuTime® 2% Milk, Bovine Growth Hormone Flavor

Insert wheat into milk carton. Shake vigorously. Drink out of container.

Optional: Add in your coffee and toast if you’re so inclined!

Shepherd’s Pie

You can’t have your cake and eat it too, and likewise, you can’t have BOTH your meat and potatoes. You gotta pick one.


1 dishrag
1 bottle chloroform
1 clock
1 unsuspecting shepherd
1 Oreo crust

Place chloroform on rag and kidnap shepherd. Slice and/or dice him into bite-sized pieces with steak knives (butter knives will do in a pinch). Stop the clock. Place shepherd’s remains in Oreo crust and microwave on High for 45 seconds.

Apple Pie

Planting apple seeds, watering them, fertilizing them, and giving them years to bear fruit is time wasted! Modern Americans deserve gratification NOW.


500 apple seeds
1 carton ValuTime® partially-iodized salt
3 cups ValuTime® high-lactose corn syrup
2 tablespoons ValuTime® Diet Baking Soda
1 cup toilet water (cheaper than tap)
1 Oreo crust

Mash apple seeds with potato masher. Become frustrated. Pour ingredients into Oreo crust in a haphazard manner. Stare at the disgusting abomination you’ve just created. Pause as the desperation sinks in. Hurl the pie across the room and collapse into defeated heap on the floor. Cry in plain view of your children.

Fruit Smoothie


1 gallon ValuTime® imitation fruit juice
3 servings of Half ‘n’ Half pilfered from local diner
1 bag glass marbles (ice is expensive these days)

Pour marbles into blender. Blend marbles on High for three minutes. Pour in ValuTime® 3% fruit juice and Half ‘n’ Half. Shake until sediment is even throughout. Serve to children.

Not only will this be cheaper, but soon you will have fewer mouths to feed!

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